Chinese New Year has ended so soon for me. (But. I haven't celebrate chap go meh with family yet! Adehh) But God's blessings never fails to make me live everyday in His wonders and love. I'm thankful and blessed, and so much has happened, but God's there with me and work His ways through the people I love and loves me back. Gathered with God-given-sisters, watch movies and bainian with buddies from matriculations, met up long lost friend, more bai nians with fellowship, and most importantly - being with my family. All of them were the visible strength that pushed and encourage me to live and fight on everyday. I thank God for them, and for God to let me realized I'm a very very blessed child.
Ok. Next I kinda wanna continue on what I've been thinking about lately. It's not any depressing thoughts that I hid in my mind but just you know, since it's about my recent life I think maybe it's good to have a platform to express, no?
You know that feeling when you try to hold yourself back from being all exposed with what you're capable of and at the same time showing your vurnabilities to the world? I know I think too much than I should but I've been holding myself back eversince... recently.
Guess this is one thing I've got after two weeks of reflecting on life I've had here in the University. Which, I kinda like the outcomes everytime. I've walk a few step back and see what I've done, and so far ain't not so good. But that's expected though. First semester is already expected to be a trial and error period where I'm allowed to make mistakes. So there.
Back to the 'holding myself back'. I kind of didn't act like how I normally am back home or in matriculation while I'm here at uni. I know it's normal to have split personalities at different places but it's being here in uni, I'm just not, being me. You know? It's like the whole university is in a house, but I'm outside, looking in from the window at everything that's going on. It's like, I'm on pause, where I'm not really there and my mind's always elsewhere, which I've yet to know where's 'elsewhere' supposed to be. People here doesn't know me. They know, or they think they know, but like I said, I hold back a lot more than they thought. Come to think of it, I think I might have grown a wall of precautious intentions.
It's good to be like that where I'm always in the safe zone but I guess that's what make me feel kind of lonely and misses home very frequently. It's easy to know you have sincere friends around you but it just felt different when you can't open up to that friend eventhough how sincere they might be, right? Maybe, I haven't found anyone that I can be as comfortable and could click with my thoughts like I had back home, just yet. Right now, it's just you and me, my blog. :P Meanwhile, I'll continue to miss my buddies back home, and those scattered around Malaysia besides UKM. Le sigh.
First semester was pretty much so so lah. If wanting to sum it all up short, it's really just 'trial and error' phase. Though I think MAYBE I did learn quite some lessons from it. Big part of it is time managing and also money managing, another small part is, learning to choose the right project to take. Ain't not going to do what I won't be liking doing, anymore. And hopefully, I won't be repeating the same mistake I've made (which I know myself and not going to mention here), I will also be clear on how to do things next and able to beat the goals I've made myself.
Gladly I didn't lost passion in studying, and still grateful that I've chosen this course because I'm looking forward to know what's coming next each and everyday. Ok so hopefully my schedule won't be as tight and God give me wisdom to choose projects wisely while arranging my timetable and also money. I hate when I can't stay whole-heartedly on things I'm commited to. Hopefully, I wouldn't lost track or control on the thing's I'm doing or will be doing, which will also leads to lost of passion and mentally tired to continue.
One most important thing that I'm quite concern also is about being a key volunteer. Ahhh should prior this on my list... Please pray for my to continue to have a burning flare for God and I'd be capable to prior His work and do it in His desires. Not only that, must always fuel myself and learn to love Him more each and every day.
Counting down 5 days till everything officially starts. At the same time, counting down 5 months till the next time I'm free again to go home!
Ahh not to forget, pray that God choses the right and desired Chief Minister to lead Sarawak on! Free us from the racism mindset and also every other forms of corruption.
Till next time, my blog who's always there for me. Goodnight!
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