Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Appreciating 2014

Initially thinking that I'll end blogging in 2014 with my previous post. But I was loitering around the internet as usual, and end up blogwalking on several blogger's blog that I've followed for years. Makes me reflect on how unappreciative I am by writing something neutral (and somehow a little emotional) instead of being positive with 2014.

Honestly 2014 was a year that I've faced a little challenge on the 'real friend stays' problem and one of the most obvious phase where I learnt more about myself because of certain changes and adjustments. Nevertheless, I thank God for all these changes, and all the blessings that surrounds me every now and then.

Just very recently somebody told me: "If it wasn't you I didn't know how I can get through all these while". Well its sort of like that because I ain't gonna quote the whole exact phrase. (I too heard if from another friend of mine couple months ago.) Anyways listening to it again struck me kind of deep inside where I feel lucky and blessed. I admit that I've been neglecting certain people around me or didn't give them as much as they've paid attention on me, and I feel very guilty for that because I can't do anything to make it better. But I thank God for all I've gone through with all these friends that accept the change in me and how I treat them, still treats me as a friend and never ignore me for what I've did. They're all friends that are willing to open up and talk about the problems we've faced, and willingly too to not give up on what we've built up, to work out the whole friendship thing. I'm thankful for all of them.

Been talking to quite a number of people and processing so as reflecting with the relationship I had with my family and friends. Especially about families and it made me realized that I've very understandable parents that I can really talk to, even have the urge to tell them things about me or even listen to things about them. I know that within my circle of friends, it's a rare situation to have that close kind of connection. I'm grateful that I have parents that trusts me and didn't have any high expectations on me (in a way where I think that they won't give me pressure to achieve certain absurd target in life); they let me have the chance to choose my own paths in life as long as I am happy with my choices. I'm grateful that they'd accept the decisions I've made (with negotiation of course) and gave me support so as encouragement because their assurance really meant a lot to keep me going.

My relationship with God has too been on a rough ride this year. It hits the highest and also the lowest note this year. But I'm thankful that the connection, the love is still there. I'm glad I have the companion and testimony from brothers and sisters that's on the same boat with me giving me advice so as reminders for me to keep hanging on with the faith. I'm thankful that I wasn't gave up on, even though I've swerve into several wrong directions. I still long for the days that I've felt real peace and happiness, enjoying the privilege I have by being His child. Thinking that I haven't hit the highest tide yet but I pray I'll have enough strength by then to sail through it. I really need a boost, I need to be filled with eagerness again.

I'm thankful for the love and care I had from people around me. The lost of grandma when I was in Perak in January has shown me how much people around me care about me more than I did to myself. Loosing material things that's kind of expensive(?) or getting sick and having people around me that worries more than me and helping me out even though they owe me nothing makes me realize how lucky I am to have them (Some people just don't give a damn but these friends around me really really cares). Having best friends that doesn't give a shit on how long you didn't contact them but still treats you like the most important person in their life reminds me that how blessed and unworthy I am to have all them. Having extended family members be it organic social ties or mechanical social ties (woo with the social science terms ahaha) that still cares about my existence every now and then even when I'm away (somewhat away despite the holidays) from home for almost four years makes me too, feels very very touched because I'm not forgotten. (even though I no longer feel that I belong in their circle every time I go back ah well that bounds to happen)

Lastly. Kind of I don't know, highlight of my year? The part where I always struggle to write or not to write. To publicize or not to. So here goes nothing, since well, I didn't want to keep these thoughts inside of me to strangle and suffocate myself. There's time where I never thought this (being in a relationship) has actually happened to me only until I'm with him physically. Being with him taught me new things about myself and learnt to adjust into a new perspective of living. (I've been crazy single living in the wilds and flying everywhere in the past LOL) Honestly, I didn't know he's the kind of guy that I'd settled to, but I'm glad that we're able to click even though there's still several disagreements in between. It's like, I didn't knew I'd be compatible with this kind of guy (who's literally out of my league) and actually be comfortable with, somehow enjoying it too :P Haha. I don't know what the future will bring to us, but I'll be appreciating every moment being with him. Collecting his smiles is the best thing I can think of hehehe.

2014 was a year where time past at a 'just nice' pace, which I never did experience before, it was usually faster than expected. I thank God for this year, and looking forward to what 2015's gonna bring to me. Deciding not gonna make any resolutions this time round, will just go with the flow.

2015, C'mon baby! Hahahahaha. Wish all of you random people Happy New Years Eve and Happy New Year in advance! God bless. :)

Tuesday, December 30, 2014




去泰国玩就好像 去就去咯的感觉
胖了就像 胖就胖咯 没什么的感觉
读书就好像 有学没学到都无所谓的感觉

好像有一点随便 有一点怀疑自己到底有没有在意这一切变化的发生

今年 真的没什么事
没什么特别 很平淡 真的很平淡

或许 已开始慢慢了解自己

或许 瞳孔和思绪不再那么在乎自己的事
已经很少去为自己的事反省 为自己的事烦恼 为自己要求很多

原来 世界不再自我 不是一个人后

这样的改变 我会不会喜欢呢

要飞 就飞翔的自由

安全感的定义 也慢慢改变



Monday, December 22, 2014

It was autumn.

It was autumn.

The season where nature changes it colours and dies into it's origin.

The season where the sky turns grayer than ever, 

where the people's emotion turns melancholy.

It was autumn.

The season when the wind was no longer something that people desire.

The season where people begins to long for the sun that they wished it was never burning so brightly during the summer.

The season when the temperature of the surrounding decides to be even further apart from your our own.

But, it was a season where the temperature never gets colder than the human heart when it decides to stop loving. 

It was autumn.

The abandoned pavement met the dandelion.

It was believed to be drifting in the winds for some time.

Searching for a place to settle.

Little did the pavement knows. 

It was not a good place for anybody or even anything, to settle there.

Except for shoe prints.

Or maybe, the rain.

Just, something temporary.

Little did the dandelion knows.

It settles at the place where something good wouldn't happen.


The wind blows.

And the dandelion leaves.


The dandelion was too tired to vanish directionless into the wind 

and it decides to root just, 

right there. 


It was autumn.

The season where colours of the leaves blend and harmonized, 

as they embrace their death.

The season where the colder temperature holds two people who were in love even closer than ever, 

as they long for heat.

The season that reminds us that we're all lonely people.

Needing love to live.