Thursday, September 17, 2015

If there's someone from whom I've learn about the love I have within me, it's you. Everyday since the day I met you, I only felt that my heart gets bigger by the second, instead of the exhaustion I've rant to you from time to time where I'm wear out and tired to love.

It's you who mould me to who I am right now, thinking there's a limit for my love to you, but apparently there isn't any. Before knowing you, I thought my love and patience was enough to last me to love a lot of people, but you have tested my patience and given me the opportunity to learn about forgiveness, also to understand wholeheartedly by trying to find ways to hang on by trying look from another perspective.

I don't blame you for how you're a little self-centered than I am and how much I've always ask more of attention from you. I myself is being selfish sometimes because I might have been too hard on you. Neither of us is perfect and we all have our flaws in ourselves. It'll be harsh and so unfair for me to label you as loveless when you didn't grew up surrounded by the love that I've learnt and live in.

So far. I've seen so many changes in you that I believe what I've preserved from the beginning seems to paid of. But that's not what I wanted the most from you. Rather from learning to love me alone, I'd want you to understand the source of love I gain and learn from and also learn what that love is meant for.

There's a saying that goes, "I'd rather love my hardest then to let go and regret." I didn't want to let you go knowing that I didn't love you enough. I didn't want to let you go knowing that you weren't introduced or shown to what the ultimate love is or came from. I'm going go give you my all despite the constant downfall, but I assure you as long as I know the meaning of love, I'll continue to love you with all my might.

My friend shared that: "Treating people with everything you have may not bring you any advantages or benefits at all, despite that, I'll still take action and be proactive in giving care and love. I love you, because He loves me first. I love you, no matter how you've act or how as a person you are, this is because He loves me, no matter how I've acted or how as a person I am."

Cheers to 312 days of loving you. ♥

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

First lengthy blogpost of 2015 :/

Its been awhile since I write here. Say.... 5 months. My goodness that's long!
I just, didn't have the urge to write or update anything about myself because I'm in a transitioning period where I'm trying to accept the new change in my life - an addition of somebody to share my life with?

Honestly I didn't cope well at first, so many changes happened so quickly and I find myself in a mess every time I try to reflect my life, so I hardly dare to sit and think what's going on but mostly think about the changes that made me lost my old self, and welcoming a new self I yet to know and get comfortable with.

I went from having different people to commute with and share time with into only mostly time now is spent with this one guy. I went from having a lot of alone time and time to do my own things without giving a damn about anyone until now, I have to start considering about another person.

All my life I've been single, until the 9th of September of 2014. And I didn't get use to the thought that I have a boyfriend and didn't make it a big deal until I find myself falling harder for him after being together with him for months.

See, the thing that hits me where I know this is getting real is when I first felt insecure in my life because I kept wondering how worth is it for putting so much emotion and effort on somebody else. The insecurity hit me kinda hard my emotions fluctuate so often I begin to imagine the worse possible, breakups, arguments, loyalty, all those nightmares you get when you start depending on one person and how would I possibly cope if something bad happen to 'us'.

Imagine this, when you decide to love somebody, will you put all your heart into it? Because I know I will. And, there's so many 'what ifs' because people and feelings will eventually change. Unless, you both are willing to make effort and make the relationship work. But, everything is so unpredictable. When I started getting attach, the thoughts where if our feelings aren't mutual constantly scares me, a lot.

6 months plus with him wasn't exactly challenging but it wasn't easy either. We had fights, but mostly initiated by me and my rich imagination. We had arguments, because I'm not satisfied for I guess, blame all the fairy tales and happy endings that got my expectations high. We nearly broke up, well of course I didn't feel secure enough and I'm tired of all the emotion instability I didn't want to feel anything anymore.

Honestly, being in a relationship has greatly affected me from where I kinda lost friends who didn't understand my situation. I too learn that I cannot give a lot of people as much time and company as I could before, they thought I've distance myself and thought I didn't appreciate them at last I lost friends who I thought I wouldn't. I lost my life I used to have where I joined CLC and serve God so constantly and almost everyday in a week but it changed when I find out I will be judge and told not to love someone that I shouldn't fall for. Not to say that they don't understand, but stubborn me didn't want to face all that pressure I distant myself with that group and lost a part of my once upon a time life.

Not only that, in the beginning when he's not around I found nobody to turn to and nothing else to do besides waiting for him because I didn't know how to balance my love I made him my world. I almost lost myself, but honestly, having certain friends that stays, having family beside me, the growing bond (I guess) with people that I've never talked to and still half-rationale me to tell myself to stop being so pathetic, I tried very very very very hard to rebuilt and recognize 'me' that I once didn't know anymore when I see the reflection in the mirror.

Then again, I was blessed to have found somebody stays in the same area with me, to spend everyday with. How many people will get this lucky to spend almost everyday with someone they wanted to meet eagerly most of the time? And despite all those fights and arguments, I realized how calmed I wanted to be or was capable of before is a lie. Being with him lets me know that I can get so frustrated and is able to nag non-stop and forever complaining. Another blessings that I constantly thank God for is, having a guy that have enough patience to deal with all of my tantrums.

Even though we still fight and argue, but he grew to know me well and listens and tries to make changes to fit my unsatisfactory slowly. I honestly give a lot of thanks to that. When I pushed him away he didn't really give up on me (at least that's what I've felt), he tried, but his ways that I'm trying to adapt with because, of course, I have my own dream expectations which are harder to achieve. Poor him. :/

But hor. Even though we meet almost everyday, even though he still doesn't want to make 'us' publicized or is not very good at saying sweet sweet words that will honestly makes me feel better, I find that I still can love him even more every single day. I always find myself looking at him and feels weirdly lucky because of all the people out there, this guy is here and is, sort of officially my boyfriend. Despite all the downsides, we both is still together after half a year and not even getting bored of each other's company. We're still trying to make appropriate adaptation to each other different personalities, and getting more and more comfortable with each other's presence in our lives.

I felt a little cheesy about this but despite him always sheltering his thoughts will openly/un-shyly talk about marriage or future lives together or children (not much but not avoiding too) or anything we didn't see eye to eye with. The being real and not guessing each other thoughts moment he rarely can share about makes me cherish him more. Hahah my goodness, only I can achieve to this level of honesty and I feel damn satisfied and good lol.

I've learnt how mummy love us unreasonably when I'm learning to love this emotionally-dumb guy. He, has learnt how bad my mood can get but still can dumbly smile and makes my heart melt wtf. I've learnt that how focused he can get until he kinda forgets me but still tries to make time for me when he can. I've learnt that how much he didn't tell about himself to other people but still willingly tell me if I've asked. I've learnt that even though we're both a couple it isn't necessarily for us to stick together with each other every single second because we still have to move on in our self-upgrading life. (I'm sorry to you for asking for so much but I really need the attention mah :P)

There's still many many unsatisfactory of course (aherm. I'm still waiting for him to dare to introduce me to his friends. aherm) but who gets smooth relationships without a fight? Even our parents had their first time in learning how to be parents, we're just toddlers in a new relationship and learning how to love.

Cheers, to 6 months 3 weeks and many many more years to come! :)