Saturday, February 22, 2014

Repost from tumblr :)

I figured this is worth for another repost. Original from -

I remembered the first time joining a story telling competition. 

I remembered that evening where I was too freaked out I hid myself in the room not knowing what to do because I can’t memorize any of the lines properly. 

I remembered mummy walking into the room and she saw me crying. She held my hand, look at the story I was going to tell, shortened it for me, and gave me courage. She first believed in me, which made me, believe in myself. Next day, it sucked cause I don’t think my story were fully told, but at least I did it. I stood on the stage, and I remembered a friend giving me an assurance nod. I smiled, I go on. 

I finished everything, and the most important is, 

I’ve learnt to believe in myself.

You'll never know that those little things you do will mean so much to another person, but always make sure that little thing you're doing, is something good. :)

New theme! :)

Hey there! :) I just got my blog a new look. Hee finally I've got my ass up even though I'm long fed up with the dull-greyish theme of my blog just previously.

After blogging for so long, this is the 3rd banner I used and created with my own doodles of the so-called 'me'. Of course again, with the help of animations supported by MeituXiuxiu :P And because I've changed from different genre to various different colors and design in the past, I figured this time I'd use the combination of dark and light.

You see, I've been using the all-dark-theme and bright neon supporting colors for my previous blogs back in the days of my early teens. Then it abruptly changed into bright colorful theme. It took me quite a while to realize that those themes are more to the food/family commercial blogs or some sort of circus-themed look, which I got sick of it then too.

I've begin to went into paths of being more pastel and soft. And I've tried orange, then yellow until my first banner was created -

which immediately influenced me to turn my blog into the girly pinkish pastel look. This was the longest design of theme I've kept ever since owning a blog, but eventually I've decided to change, but not on a good timing though. Here's why.

My second banner was not quite the one that I can say that I am satisfied with. In fact, it kinda bothers me quite negatively where I don't feel very enjoyed when I'm looking at my blog, as compared to before the pastel-pink era what. This banner above has the same doodles I've drawn on except the overall colors I used on my blog were filtered to low-saturated. And there goes to the dull-greyish theme that has accompanied me since. Although I'm not quite happy with the looks of my blog at that time but I don't even have the urge or desire to keep my blog alive, I became very lazy to make any other changes.

Till now.

I've been updating my Tumblr quite often these days and I found that I kinda missed blogging here. I figured I had to make a change but I've used all kinds of colors to portrays this blog that has accompanied me for so long. So this time I wanted to try on something different. I wanted pink back but I don't really want to turn back to my previous girlish-pink-xiaxue theme. I wanted baby blue too but I can't settled with only one-colored blog, neither do I want to end up with circus feel theme again.

So. Here it is.

I hope it's not weird though. 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014



哎呀,反正一氣餒之下說的話很極端的悲觀,睡一睡醒來后就沒事了。三年,很快就過去的,加油吧 :)
"看萬事為損失,受苦為小事,靠你的恩典站立..." :)

Sunday, February 16, 2014









Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Back to Uniiiiii - Rounding up first semester

Chinese New Year has ended so soon for me. (But. I haven't celebrate chap go meh with family yet! Adehh) But God's blessings never fails to make me live everyday in His wonders and love. I'm thankful and blessed, and so much has happened, but God's there with me and work His ways through the people I love and loves me back. Gathered with God-given-sisters, watch movies and bainian with buddies from matriculations, met up long lost friend, more bai nians with fellowship, and most importantly - being with my family. All of them were the visible strength that pushed and encourage me to live and fight on everyday. I thank God for them, and for God to let me realized I'm a very very blessed child.

Ok. Next I kinda wanna continue on what I've been thinking about lately. It's not any depressing thoughts that I hid in my mind but just you know, since it's about my recent life I think maybe it's good to have a platform to express, no?

You know that feeling when you try to hold yourself back from being all exposed with what you're capable of and at the same time showing your vurnabilities to the world? I know I think too much than I should but I've been holding myself back eversince... recently.

Guess this is one thing I've got after two weeks of reflecting on life I've had here in the University. Which, I kinda like the outcomes everytime. I've walk a few step back and see what I've done, and so far ain't not so good. But that's expected though. First semester is already expected to be a trial and error period where I'm allowed to make mistakes. So there.

Back to the 'holding myself back'. I kind of didn't act like how I normally am back home or in matriculation while I'm here at uni. I know it's normal to have split personalities at different places but it's being here in uni, I'm just not, being me. You know? It's like the whole university is in a house, but I'm outside, looking in from the window at everything that's going on. It's like, I'm on pause, where I'm not really there and my mind's always elsewhere, which I've yet to know where's 'elsewhere' supposed to be. People here doesn't know me. They know, or they think they know, but like I said, I hold back a lot more than they thought. Come to think of it, I think I might have grown a wall of precautious intentions.

It's good to be like that where I'm always in the safe zone but I guess that's what make me feel kind of lonely and misses home very frequently. It's easy to know you have sincere friends around you but it just felt different when you can't open up to that friend eventhough how sincere they might be, right? Maybe, I haven't found anyone that I can be as comfortable and could click with my thoughts like I had back home, just yet. Right now, it's just you and me, my blog. :P Meanwhile, I'll continue to miss my buddies back home, and those scattered around Malaysia besides UKM. Le sigh.

First semester was pretty much so so lah. If wanting to sum it all up short, it's really just 'trial and error' phase. Though I think MAYBE I did learn quite some lessons from it. Big part of it is time managing and also money managing, another small part is, learning to choose the right project to take. Ain't not going to do what I won't be liking doing, anymore. And hopefully, I won't be repeating the same mistake I've made (which I know myself and not going to mention here), I will also be clear on how to do things next and able to beat the goals I've made myself.

Gladly I didn't lost passion in studying, and still grateful that I've chosen this course because I'm looking forward to know what's coming next each and everyday. Ok so hopefully my schedule won't be as tight and God give me wisdom to choose projects wisely while arranging my timetable and also money. I hate when I can't stay whole-heartedly on things I'm commited to. Hopefully, I wouldn't lost track or control on the thing's I'm doing or will be doing, which will also leads to lost of passion and mentally tired to continue.

One most important thing that I'm quite concern also is about being a key volunteer. Ahhh should prior this on my list... Please pray for my to continue to have a burning flare for God and I'd be capable to prior His work and do it in His desires. Not only that, must always fuel myself and learn to love Him more each and every day.

Counting down 5 days till everything officially starts. At the same time, counting down 5 months till the next time I'm free again to go home!

Ahh not to forget, pray that God choses the right and desired Chief Minister to lead Sarawak on! Free us from the racism mindset and also every other forms of corruption.

Till next time, my blog who's always there for me. Goodnight!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Nothing elseeee

Many days ago I've craved this moment so I can sit down properly and blog about some title in my head specifically. Now staring at this screen, I don't know how to start, let alone continue. So. Maybe I'll just let it flow and say whatever that comes into my mind. Ok?

Now I'm back to UKM, and this is the third day I'm here after the only two weeks Chinese New Year holiday I've had back home. As far as I want to complain about how very little the days I had back home because frankly my sembreak ain't only two weeks but a month, I need to give thanks because I had a chance to go home, and there's even people having only 3 days - only one week of holidays compare to me!

Home was absolute heaven on earth for me. I don't know why people said I'd get use to life outside from home and will not miss home as much as I first started to leave. Truth is, mine was totally the other way round! I miss home more and more each day, I've never missed home so much as I had back in matriculation. Even now I still do and I'd always wonder why I stubbornly chose to study here at peninsular instead of the university back in my hometown. UNIMAS also offers the course I wanted what. :(

Ok enough regrets. Still waiting for the day where my question on this choice of University got answered. I believe God has planned everything in His ways and I shall find out the reason real soon, like how going to Kampar's Mission Trip made sense only when it's over.

So anyways, I am now back at the uni wayyyyy earlier than most of the students, doing preparation for the program I tied myself onto. Not sure if deciding to join this is right or wrong, but I'll never know how far I can go until I decide to do something outside of my comfort zone right? I've joined an outreach program for the Malay Language and will be overseas for maybe a week, destination has yet to be confirmed. Being unaware of what will come next and a little unsure of what to do really freaked me out sometimes, and I always wonder how can I possibly got chosen when my Malay is only enough for the conversation of buying veges in a Sunday Market? Another thing that doesn't make sense, yet.

Talk about not making sense. I really don't know why I just can't understand the speaking of Malay language here. I thought Sabah is the slang that's harder to understand but so far I've never had any big problems with it. I gotta get used to the Malay language speaking as fast as I could but all I hear is gibberish as they kinda speak so fast and used many short forms with a little dialect, I don't know, it's just too hard and I'm very very helpless at the moment. This is probably also the biggest problem I've faced in class, also being the blurry one out, not laughing on jokes told or understand most of the lectures given. See how I think getting into this uni hasn't make much sense, just yet? Prayed God to lead the way and make me know what to do each day, and endure these 3 years by His will.

Gosh this is turning into a post full of rants that doesn't make sense isn't it? Hehehehe but so what I'm gonna post it anyhow. :P


18/01/14 - 25/01/14


决定参加短宣的当天,是得知奖学金是否能得到的那天。本来说或许如果我得到的话,那就决定去短宣了。其实一直以来没对奖学金抱着很大的期待的我,也无法去让自己不去想万一得不到的话,我就这样决定不去了吗?我就不服侍神了吗?担忧的是好多,当时我也刚得知明年我将会出国须花好大一笔钱;生活费,学费却越来越高,只能靠着父母所给的钱在大学生活让我觉得好内疚,因为让他们负担很多;尚若决定去短宣的话就得浪费之前订好的两张飞机票,又得重买新的两张飞机票。 偏偏,不如意的事发生了,我得不到奖学金,内疚感也加重了许多。得知没奖学金的当儿,我的心情好混乱好混乱。。。学姐、同工们说的凭信心做决定,我打从心里明白说,我真的完全做不到。心不在焉的看着国大中秋表演,妈妈几次的来电让我痛哭好多次,妈妈说,奖学金拿不到没关系,买新的机票也没关系,生活费多了也不必要你担心,你就去短宣为神出力,别让撒旦魔鬼来拦住你服侍神了,钱方面你都无需烦。妈妈也说,她一直都想参与短宣,可是处处为好多是担忧,如今体力有限,也盼望我不放过这机会。坦白说,最后当下决定去短宣是凭妈妈对上帝的信心而鼓励了我,并不是我自己做得到的决定。


Prayer Walk 时,才真正意识到短宣开始了,带着一丝丝的害怕,走了校园 。参加了几次短宣,每每都是最小的成员,很感恩的这次也不例外,心想应该都可以可以在 Senior 们的庇护下度过;可是 Walk 的路途中和弟兄姐妹的对话,其中也让我心想倘若我期待神对在短宣中期待着神让我改变,那我是不是也该走出所谓的 Comfort Zone 吗?

还记得进校的第一天,本来战战兢兢的我,很感恩的是,在学姐很温柔的帮助和陪伴下,踏出了突破的第一步——主动和人聊天,也把人生的好消息说给第一次认识的人听。第二天早晨,在还未出往校园的时候,我把眼镜不小心给弄掉近马桶里,拿也拿不起。习惯戴眼镜的自己买了隐形眼镜来顶一顶,却如此就少了自信和人说话。但靠着主恩,依然能服侍祂让我慢慢拾回勇气,从新出发。UTAR学生在给予Feedback的时候都让自己好好奇他们那里的大学生活,他们多数都过着好正面无烦恼的生活;本来想从生活问题上让他们因此明了自己需要上帝,却又对‘需要上帝’起了个提醒,也这样慢慢明白什么是‘seek the giver, not the gift‘。