It's always been quite sad to know that I am too weak to control my emotions when I'm with those who cares about me. I lost my patience easily and always let the problems take charge of all that I am. And because of that, I've hurt those who're always there for me.
Every time I'd think myself as a person stuck in a large tube with no way out. Waters that are problem keeps adding in they have no way out. Until it reached my neck level I began to panic and starting to feel like I'll suffocate. At that point often forgot that I could float, even when the water keep adding in, and I'll forget that I have a mind and I can find a way out. But I'd prefer to stay there idly, shouting for help, and blaming those who're letting the water into the tube I'm standing at.
Many times, my eyesight narrowed down when I'm with those who're close to me. I see less of the big picture, I thought I know them well enough and when something slammed down which disturbed me in all sort of ways, I begin to dig out the weakness I know about them, and let it be the reason I snapped. Instead of searching for a way to pull through, instead of making it all better again. At this point, I'd turn into an inconsiderate demanding beast wanting everything to go my way. How hard I tried to not let the emotions engulfed me alive, how hard I tried to make myself to not make it a big deal, I succumb into it.
Maybe I know them well enough I allowed myself to act that way because they'll take me back no matter what.
Maybe I lost the shield that's been hiding my true self because they're the people I trust most with my unstable emotions.
OR. Maybe I just like making excuses for myself, foolishly allowed myself to self-degrade in front of those who loves me and not allowed myself to change this stubborn attitude nurtured inside me since I was young.
All my life I'm never ending thinking about life and death issues. I pictured death always and sometimes it just simply haunts me even when I'm asleep in my dreams. Many times I'd remind myself, what if I suddenly died later but act this way now. WOULDN'T I REGRET? I'm always fascinated and impressed with book authors that embraced life, treasured time in the fictions they wrote. Reminding myself that life's short to not embrace, cherish, making the most out of it like they do.
I'm always at a point that's wanting to talk some senses out from myself. Recently have been trying to think more about that, since it's never too long until I left. Today I literally thought the tears gland in my eyes are filled so full I could explode anytime. But even as hard as I wanted to remind myself not to snap, I seems to fail, every time.
Back to the core and ask myself again. Have I been too self-centered, thought I could do it all alone instead of putting it all in God's hand? Have I forgot that He's there to catch me when I fall?