Thursday, April 10, 2014

Some thoughts.

These were thoughts after a while. Kinda I guessed. Thoughts that came once in a while. Once I got alone. Or maybe lonely.

I think it kinda strikes me everytime when it comes to semester break, when everyone's gone. But this time I wanna sum up what I've felt all these while. What I've felt after being a year of under-graduate here, far away from home.

I wouldn't say that being away from home is what caused this either. It's not like leaving home was bad. It's bound to happen anyhow, and I could never escape myself from feeling like this. People would leave, and I would still stay at the same place, the same situation if I were at home, and think about what has happen, as I am doing right now.

I'm just glad I could find words to say. Even when it's bothering me after so long. Finally, I could take it out somewhere else. Somehow.

So here goes to the thoughts after a year.

I'm not gonna lie, it's true that it's been a year, and I haven't found any sense of belonging. It's something that clicked after I took this Japanese course for the second semester's Pilihan Bebas. I won't took the blame of taking this action; I won't regret taking it. To be honest, I'm glad because of this kind of triggers the thoughts that I'm not....really at peace.

It's all clear to me that even after making certain choices, it would take quite some time for you to realize that it's not really right, nor is it wrong. This is how I felt for putting 'Anthroplogy and Sociology' for the first choice and the only thing I wanted to study eversince I graduated high school. It wasn't right because I don't feel the passion that I should have felt, its nothing like how I felt when I started taking Japanese classes. It wasn't wrong because if you turn back time or gave me another chance to choose, I still wouldn't know what to choose, what to pick for the courses I should take as an under-graduate.

Maybe you'll think that it was foriegn language courses that I should've take, but even so, it never has been a course that I have ever think about, nor consider. I don't wanna end up being a translator, nor a teacher, nor some language researcher. These thoughts have never even occured in my mind.

I do like language itself. I like how it works to convey what our mind wish to say. I like how it has helped me speak up eversince I've learnt to write. From diaries when I'm little, until now where I own websites, and blogs. I like how feelings and thoughts could came alive with the assistance of words. But that's just all.

That was a passion I never had on this course I've taken. I tried to join other activities. I tried to keep close to God. Maybe it was me who hasn't try hard enough, but it doesn't matter if you hadn't tried hard if it's something you'll naturally like, is it? Ahh talk about love, working up a relationship may work this way right? But... A slight interest should occur before that relationship can be build... as far as I acknowledge.

Shiawase. Happiness in Japanese. And as how I knew, happiness only happen if someone is satisfied with their current being, they'd give thanks to simple things, little things. Honestly, I think I've lost that ability to give thanks. I'm a little lost I know. But I can't find reasons to lighten up my mood, nor little things to be happy about. This sucks. What's depressed inside me seems to be so great I couldn't see myself being happy.

My heart's being down, for no big reasons. It doesn't really flutter anymore. I've lost the excitement and foward looking feelings that I should have.

On weibo, I wrote that it is hard to find little happiness these days. It used to be easy. Very easy to be exact. It's true. I guess.

That's all I wanted to say for now. I'll be fine. I'm sure about that. I just, need more time to adjust and get use to it... though it somehow has taken a year and it's still the same.

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