。

曾经
喜欢突破过程的煎熬
喜欢那刺激的快感
喜欢尝试不同的事物
喜欢寻找机会不停的提升自己
要飞 就飞翔的自由

有了你在身边
一切都不再一样
变得像温室里的小花一样
变得像跟屁虫的傻样
安全感的定义 也慢慢改变
不是我自己说了算
反而已是向往着你的看法

一切的担忧
都由你而起

一切的心情
都随你而变

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Only now I realized that all these time I'm filled with histories and tales telling about how irresponsible they are. How they're unable for us to depend on. How much headaches and heartaches they'll caused in life. Not one, but all of them. Those who I normally encounter, are somehow mutually alike.

After all these years. Finally. I knew why I've been so terrified.

But. What to do even if I've finally found the roots to that particular problem that have haunt me for so long?

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For mum, as promised. Preached by Pastor Kiu - 祷告和生活（罗马书12：1-2）

福音的结论：以马内利；与神通行。

相信“神的话”；有心的祷告

五个步骤
（1）知道耶稣
（2）相信耶稣
（3）接待耶稣
（4）回应：把生命主权交托给神
（5）做决断

所谓决断，就是改变。
因为圣经说：叫爱神的人得益处
作为门徒的决断：（腓4：4-7）

Morning Prayer (5:00am - 7:00am)
决定生活的成败
- 打开信心的眼光
- 看见神同在的恩典
- 确认神的应许
- 期待新一天的带领而感谢神
- 求神让你不同的看待：独处、Family、Church、Workplace、Friends、所在的地区、世界
- 完全交托将要解决的事情、问题
- 神的计划，时间表

Afternoon Prayer (12:00pm - 1:00pm)
会带来生活现场得胜
- 再次开启属灵的眼睛，确认应许，属灵生命得充电
- 为工作得十倍的能力和果效祈求
- 从四周寻找要祝福的对象
- 预备智慧的言语和简单的信息
- 遇到问题时，要寻找神的美意，并交托给祂

Night Prayer (5:00pm - 6:00pm) - This ain't Bedtime Prayer
会带来加倍应许和祝福的收割
-在大自然里享受运动的时间，同时享受与神深切的对话、祷告
- 寻找在白天时光感恩的时
- 对自己的训练，用神的话预备自己
- 学习各样知识的最佳时刻
- 教会集会，享受肢体生活，侍奉教会的时间
- 可以安排时间探访有需要的人
- 整理一天的生活和应允，为着“世界福音”确认，掌握自己现场的时间表

不可少的 Important Prayer
- 随时的祷告：简单又有权柄的祷告，维持得胜有余的生活
- 吃饭前的祷告、身体软弱得医治，并维持健康和体力
- Exercising, Entertainment, Resting 也在神所赐的“自由和节制”之下享受幸福美满的人生
- 睡眠前感恩和交托及对话，祷告中使我们结束蒙恩的一天，并期待新的一天来临


#挑战维持如此祷告生活三个月，生命必定有所改变

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When something happened and tears triggered all those truth to be told

Some conffesion of what I really felt,
And have been denying for some times.

Things ended but it's not how imagine it'll be.
I came home bringing those fears with me, but somehow had to take it back to where I'd left.

I want strong faith in God again
I want to feel the peace
I want to love God like how I used to

But something's shielding me against those willingness,
And I just can't get rid of it.

I've changed, and I don't like those changes.

I keep thinking non-stop about life and death
Somehow my thoughts kept emphasizing on the death part
The night I sleep thinking about why I'm still living
The night I'm driving where I think about different kind of road accidents that could happen
The evening where I subconsiously thought about being pulled down into the pool and drown
The many times when I'm alone and I think about things that shouldn't happen, and goosebump just crawls all over me.
It scares me a lot
But I don't know how to stop those thoughts

I scared. Really really scared.
I hope I have the faith to overcome it.

There's this part of me that doesn't want to go back, I just want to stay home.
But, I can't...

Apart from bringing back those fears, I've so much thing that I haven't finish doing yet.
Dancing, reading, deciding things.

Everything's a mess. A gigantic mess that I'll have to face eventually.
That's the part of growing up right?
You ought to finish everything you're responsible to, and you have no way to run, or to hide.

All I need to do, is get rid of the shield against the relationship I have with God.
But where can I start when my heart's all stubborn and arrogant?

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#照骗

I'm actually the kind of the girl that will want everything to go my way whenever I got things planned ahead of me. I accept changes but only when it makes more sense compare from what I have in mind. Stubborn yet flexible. In short, complicated.

So that's the thing that kinda get me into this uneasy situation where I seems to neglect some of my friends. But to be frank, I don't really planned my two weeks holiday before I came home, I just had a mind set where I hope I could spend more time with my family, really rest and try not to spend a lot of money, somewhere in between searching for the reason why I felt so lost for the last half semester.

So there, I was caught in the moment and forgot that I have friends that actually wanna spend time with me. Perhaps it's not to late to repent? But I don't know where to go and what to do! Why, that sounded like an excuse where I can stay home.

#usualtwopersonalityfightingthingy and #consciencealwayswins

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A number of thoughts that mushed up into a pile of shit
Didn't get me going to somewhere different and always end up coming back to where I started

She was right, I've not given the ones who have tried even the slighest bit of chance
But I always thought that I know what I wanted, until I heard them talking

It's not about how perfect God's timing is, it's where I always keep the doors close
But when the timing really's perfect, those fear will fade away and God will unlock those doors

I hate having doubts. So not cool

Ps. Heyyo, it's okay and still waiting :)
Pps. My guitar is backkkkkkkkkkkk! Hehe. But dang although can strum I'm too sick to sing #shucks
Ppps. Getting sick while I'm back home is oooosum. Lol not the getting sick part la but where I've mummy to give me meds. #sainai

Drown.

You can drown the miserable feelings you have but never everything you have. It's never worth.

I've always been lost and found. And the incident will repeat itself again and again.
Without much pausing in between.

Every time, I didn't know what to do.
The process of finding my way out is hard.
But what I'm clear is, through all that, I've known my way better.

The feelings were like drowning.
But I fear too much to suffocate under water.
I fear to have water filling up my lungs and I no longer can taste the air.

Yes, I might drown once in a while.
But I tried hard. I've tried not to let my hands nor legs idle.
I struggled.

I eyed on the surface and fight from being engulfed by the deep dark sea.
I wanted my soul to be stronger.
Even if the ocean's too strong or the current hurdle me form trench to trench.

No. I can't loose nor give up.

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Second batch Life`E SLP members!

With the seniors :) They're much nosier but fun. Oh we have our own virtue side bah. Quiet is okay too cause of the much more peaceful ambiance! HAHA lol 

Can't wait to watch tonight's episode! Wait rephrase!! Should be EVERY SEASON! 

Today's work day was okay. Heard lots of sharing from the seniors about life at University. Truth speaking, I'm very excited to start my life of further studies very very soon! Waiting is pain but heck, the future's not so much rush right now because I'll need to be certain that my choice were right. :)

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Last saw it happened in Terengganu and not many people took it seriously.

And now the road somewhere far from Kuching is falling apart. Soon will happen to many parts of the Earth. 

So... What's this thing that you wanted to do but you dare not to do? What are you waiting for?

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它

好像比往常的波动 更快 

更急促

你

听得见吗？

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there's certain disturbing thoughts

that yet felt quite pleasant when you recall it

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感觉不一样了
热情快结束了
网 魅力不如往时了

也许只是暂时离开
但偶尔会回来
只恐怕 感觉没了 灵感也会跟着消失
不会吧

总之
有心情我会更新
往这儿塞塞废话咯

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tehehehe. Lol. 

有时候就是要说出口 才不会觉得心口紧绷闷闷的

有时候就是要废话一堆灌满好友的耳朵 不然“有难同当”就没意思了

有时就是要放出该放的屁 才会觉得舒服、重获自由(?)

-.-女生这样说话会不会太粗俗啊

但是人生矛盾就是一大堆 说什么要站在别人立场 

想想自己应该如何对待别人 好让他以后也会如此对待我

总之 适可而止啦

反正这么多耳朵 一个人讲一点咯

在自己最想疯狂的时候 代表自己正热血沸腾 冒着青春珍贵的烟火

但大人的冷水 一泼再泼 温度不就下降了吗

或许太疯狂 或许害怕自己实践心事后会受重伤

或许 或许 当自己开始这样想时

会认为自己可能老了 不然就是胆子小到极点

或许 或许 或许 或许.......................................

哎呀累了懒惰想 反正就是证明自己老了 哈哈！

不好意思 太久没出现。一来就写这么无聊的东西。就像上面所说啊，我今天废话特别多，只好找地方塞 ~

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Lol hope i can do this tomorow. XD

haha nyways,

HAPPY CNY IN ADVANCE!

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I’m sad because I miss someone . But somehow I’m happy, because I have someone to miss.

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Dear Brain, Sorry for overloading you.

Dear Tummy, Sorry for the butterflies.

Dear Pillow, Sorry for the tears.

Dear Heart, Sorry for all the damages. 

Dear Love, I wished I had you.

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hahahahaha!!! joking lah lol. so many people on christmas mood now.

am not! i still dont wanna start school lah :/ although i really really miss school :P

and imma sick again! -.- ugh body resistance seriously decrease so much. gain weight and allergies tim. ish ish ish.

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its not my fault your friend's my friend.

i'm sorry if i stole them from you. if thats what you think.

but i didnt. and why don't you just believe me?

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it hurts to see someone you love getting cooler and the distance in between gradually drift apart, 

each moment it became further and further, 

without your acknowledgement. 

until one day you don't even know what to do, 

and the person you once love doesn't even want to let you explain,

or give the reason why that person did this to you.

is it me or you who were running away, not wanting to face the truth and talk about what'd happen to us?

or is it you who doesn't even give a damn about our "friendship"?

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i have my hats on only. owhhhh you know what i mean.

i freakingly need a bloody WARM HUG(s) right now.