Untitled

When something happened and tears triggered all those truth to be told

Some conffesion of what I really felt,
And have been denying for some times.

Things ended but it's not how imagine it'll be.
I came home bringing those fears with me, but somehow had to take it back to where I'd left.

I want strong faith in God again
I want to feel the peace
I want to love God like how I used to

But something's shielding me against those willingness,
And I just can't get rid of it.

I've changed, and I don't like those changes.

I keep thinking non-stop about life and death
Somehow my thoughts kept emphasizing on the death part
The night I sleep thinking about why I'm still living
The night I'm driving where I think about different kind of road accidents that could happen
The evening where I subconsiously thought about being pulled down into the pool and drown
The many times when I'm alone and I think about things that shouldn't happen, and goosebump just crawls all over me.
It scares me a lot
But I don't know how to stop those thoughts

I scared. Really really scared.
I hope I have the faith to overcome it.

There's this part of me that doesn't want to go back, I just want to stay home.
But, I can't...

Apart from bringing back those fears, I've so much thing that I haven't finish doing yet.
Dancing, reading, deciding things.

Everything's a mess. A gigantic mess that I'll have to face eventually.
That's the part of growing up right?
You ought to finish everything you're responsible to, and you have no way to run, or to hide.

All I need to do, is get rid of the shield against the relationship I have with God.
But where can I start when my heart's all stubborn and arrogant?