New theme! :)

Hey there! :) I just got my blog a new look. Hee finally I've got my ass up even though I'm long fed up with the dull-greyish theme of my blog just previously.

After blogging for so long, this is the 3rd banner I used and created with my own doodles of the so-called 'me'. Of course again, with the help of animations supported by MeituXiuxiu :P And because I've changed from different genre to various different colors and design in the past, I figured this time I'd use the combination of dark and light.

You see, I've been using the all-dark-theme and bright neon supporting colors for my previous blogs back in the days of my early teens. Then it abruptly changed into bright colorful theme. It took me quite a while to realize that those themes are more to the food/family commercial blogs or some sort of circus-themed look, which I got sick of it then too.

I've begin to went into paths of being more pastel and soft. And I've tried orange, then yellow until my first banner was created -

which immediately influenced me to turn my blog into the girly pinkish pastel look. This was the longest design of theme I've kept ever since owning a blog, but eventually I've decided to change, but not on a good timing though. Here's why.

My second banner was not quite the one that I can say that I am satisfied with. In fact, it kinda bothers me quite negatively where I don't feel very enjoyed when I'm looking at my blog, as compared to before the pastel-pink era what. This banner above has the same doodles I've drawn on except the overall colors I used on my blog were filtered to low-saturated. And there goes to the dull-greyish theme that has accompanied me since. Although I'm not quite happy with the looks of my blog at that time but I don't even have the urge or desire to keep my blog alive, I became very lazy to make any other changes.

Till now.

I've been updating my Tumblr quite often these days and I found that I kinda missed blogging here. I figured I had to make a change but I've used all kinds of colors to portrays this blog that has accompanied me for so long. So this time I wanted to try on something different. I wanted pink back but I don't really want to turn back to my previous girlish-pink-xiaxue theme. I wanted baby blue too but I can't settled with only one-colored blog, neither do I want to end up with circus feel theme again.

So. Here it is.

I hope it's not weird though. 

釘痕手，領我前行。

好啦。坦白說。其實，我沒什麼不幸的。猴子又怎樣，不要在他們出現的時間出去不就行了嘛。

能近大學，不已經是恩典了嗎？還是第一選擇的說。

森林大學不就空氣新鮮點兒嘛，臉上的痘痘還不是因此而減少了。

很少知己，不就會開始珍惜身邊已有的人嗎？雙語翻譯的學習方式，不就是擁有另外學習的機會嗎？

離家多一點，也就是看世界多一點，想家多一點，又不是沒機會回去。掙扎多一點，不就是受傷多一點，堅強多一點嘍。

哎呀，反正一氣餒之下說的話很極端的悲觀，睡一睡醒來后就沒事了。三年，很快就過去的，加油吧 :)

就如這首在我腦中播不停的歌，

"看萬事為損失，受苦為小事，靠你的恩典站立..." :)

森林大学

想不到可以让自己开心的点子，怎么办？

那天，就那天，冲凉的当儿头顶的窗门突然出现了三双手，一条长长尾巴。
那时，吓怕了。

它们，其实是能够进来的。其实，随时都会袭击。本来想当作没事的，继续冲凉。

但是，那三双手，不停地挣扎，似乎要把玻璃给拉掉，它们不停地拉，不停地叫。
吓怕的自己。不敢出去，也害怕他们近来，赶快关了水，蹲在原地静哭，好久，好久。

突然之间，我觉得好委屈，好伤心。我寻不见归宿感就算了，既然还有让自己恨不得想离开的理由。

每天提心吊胆的上下那森林围着的长梯去上课，吃饭时间又得注意这群猴子的出没。只要太阳还在，窗门和门都不可以开着，就躲在房间等着太阳不再才敢出去。

这样害怕的过着三年，我行吗？

Back to Uniiiiii - Rounding up first semester

Chinese New Year has ended so soon for me. (But. I haven't celebrate chap go meh with family yet! Adehh) But God's blessings never fails to make me live everyday in His wonders and love. I'm thankful and blessed, and so much has happened, but God's there with me and work His ways through the people I love and loves me back. Gathered with God-given-sisters, watch movies and bainian with buddies from matriculations, met up long lost friend, more bai nians with fellowship, and most importantly - being with my family. All of them were the visible strength that pushed and encourage me to live and fight on everyday. I thank God for them, and for God to let me realized I'm a very very blessed child.

Ok. Next I kinda wanna continue on what I've been thinking about lately. It's not any depressing thoughts that I hid in my mind but just you know, since it's about my recent life I think maybe it's good to have a platform to express, no?

You know that feeling when you try to hold yourself back from being all exposed with what you're capable of and at the same time showing your vurnabilities to the world? I know I think too much than I should but I've been holding myself back eversince... recently.

Guess this is one thing I've got after two weeks of reflecting on life I've had here in the University. Which, I kinda like the outcomes everytime. I've walk a few step back and see what I've done, and so far ain't not so good. But that's expected though. First semester is already expected to be a trial and error period where I'm allowed to make mistakes. So there.

Back to the 'holding myself back'. I kind of didn't act like how I normally am back home or in matriculation while I'm here at uni. I know it's normal to have split personalities at different places but it's being here in uni, I'm just not, being me. You know? It's like the whole university is in a house, but I'm outside, looking in from the window at everything that's going on. It's like, I'm on pause, where I'm not really there and my mind's always elsewhere, which I've yet to know where's 'elsewhere' supposed to be. People here doesn't know me. They know, or they think they know, but like I said, I hold back a lot more than they thought. Come to think of it, I think I might have grown a wall of precautious intentions.

It's good to be like that where I'm always in the safe zone but I guess that's what make me feel kind of lonely and misses home very frequently. It's easy to know you have sincere friends around you but it just felt different when you can't open up to that friend eventhough how sincere they might be, right? Maybe, I haven't found anyone that I can be as comfortable and could click with my thoughts like I had back home, just yet. Right now, it's just you and me, my blog. :P Meanwhile, I'll continue to miss my buddies back home, and those scattered around Malaysia besides UKM. Le sigh.

First semester was pretty much so so lah. If wanting to sum it all up short, it's really just 'trial and error' phase. Though I think MAYBE I did learn quite some lessons from it. Big part of it is time managing and also money managing, another small part is, learning to choose the right project to take. Ain't not going to do what I won't be liking doing, anymore. And hopefully, I won't be repeating the same mistake I've made (which I know myself and not going to mention here), I will also be clear on how to do things next and able to beat the goals I've made myself.

Gladly I didn't lost passion in studying, and still grateful that I've chosen this course because I'm looking forward to know what's coming next each and everyday. Ok so hopefully my schedule won't be as tight and God give me wisdom to choose projects wisely while arranging my timetable and also money. I hate when I can't stay whole-heartedly on things I'm commited to. Hopefully, I wouldn't lost track or control on the thing's I'm doing or will be doing, which will also leads to lost of passion and mentally tired to continue.

One most important thing that I'm quite concern also is about being a key volunteer. Ahhh should prior this on my list... Please pray for my to continue to have a burning flare for God and I'd be capable to prior His work and do it in His desires. Not only that, must always fuel myself and learn to love Him more each and every day.

Counting down 5 days till everything officially starts. At the same time, counting down 5 months till the next time I'm free again to go home!

Ahh not to forget, pray that God choses the right and desired Chief Minister to lead Sarawak on! Free us from the racism mindset and also every other forms of corruption.

Till next time, my blog who's always there for me. Goodnight!

Nothing elseeee

Many days ago I've craved this moment so I can sit down properly and blog about some title in my head specifically. Now staring at this screen, I don't know how to start, let alone continue. So. Maybe I'll just let it flow and say whatever that comes into my mind. Ok?

Now I'm back to UKM, and this is the third day I'm here after the only two weeks Chinese New Year holiday I've had back home. As far as I want to complain about how very little the days I had back home because frankly my sembreak ain't only two weeks but a month, I need to give thanks because I had a chance to go home, and there's even people having only 3 days - only one week of holidays compare to me!

Home was absolute heaven on earth for me. I don't know why people said I'd get use to life outside from home and will not miss home as much as I first started to leave. Truth is, mine was totally the other way round! I miss home more and more each day, I've never missed home so much as I had back in matriculation. Even now I still do and I'd always wonder why I stubbornly chose to study here at peninsular instead of the university back in my hometown. UNIMAS also offers the course I wanted what. :(

Ok enough regrets. Still waiting for the day where my question on this choice of University got answered. I believe God has planned everything in His ways and I shall find out the reason real soon, like how going to Kampar's Mission Trip made sense only when it's over.

So anyways, I am now back at the uni wayyyyy earlier than most of the students, doing preparation for the program I tied myself onto. Not sure if deciding to join this is right or wrong, but I'll never know how far I can go until I decide to do something outside of my comfort zone right? I've joined an outreach program for the Malay Language and will be overseas for maybe a week, destination has yet to be confirmed. Being unaware of what will come next and a little unsure of what to do really freaked me out sometimes, and I always wonder how can I possibly got chosen when my Malay is only enough for the conversation of buying veges in a Sunday Market? Another thing that doesn't make sense, yet.

Talk about not making sense. I really don't know why I just can't understand the speaking of Malay language here. I thought Sabah is the slang that's harder to understand but so far I've never had any big problems with it. I gotta get used to the Malay language speaking as fast as I could but all I hear is gibberish as they kinda speak so fast and used many short forms with a little dialect, I don't know, it's just too hard and I'm very very helpless at the moment. This is probably also the biggest problem I've faced in class, also being the blurry one out, not laughing on jokes told or understand most of the lectures given. See how I think getting into this uni hasn't make much sense, just yet? Prayed God to lead the way and make me know what to do each day, and endure these 3 years by His will.

Gosh this is turning into a post full of rants that doesn't make sense isn't it? Hehehehe but so what I'm gonna post it anyhow. :P

短宣心得 @ UTAR KAMPAR

18/01/14 - 25/01/14

CLC UKM

决定参加短宣的当天，是得知奖学金是否能得到的那天。本来说或许如果我得到的话，那就决定去短宣了。其实一直以来没对奖学金抱着很大的期待的我，也无法去让自己不去想万一得不到的话，我就这样决定不去了吗？我就不服侍神了吗？担忧的是好多，当时我也刚得知明年我将会出国须花好大一笔钱；生活费，学费却越来越高，只能靠着父母所给的钱在大学生活让我觉得好内疚，因为让他们负担很多；尚若决定去短宣的话就得浪费之前订好的两张飞机票，又得重买新的两张飞机票。 偏偏，不如意的事发生了，我得不到奖学金，内疚感也加重了许多。得知没奖学金的当儿，我的心情好混乱好混乱。。。学姐、同工们说的凭信心做决定，我打从心里明白说，我真的完全做不到。心不在焉的看着国大中秋表演，妈妈几次的来电让我痛哭好多次，妈妈说，奖学金拿不到没关系，买新的机票也没关系，生活费多了也不必要你担心，你就去短宣为神出力，别让撒旦魔鬼来拦住你服侍神了，钱方面你都无需烦。妈妈也说，她一直都想参与短宣，可是处处为好多是担忧，如今体力有限，也盼望我不放过这机会。坦白说，最后当下决定去短宣是凭妈妈对上帝的信心而鼓励了我，并不是我自己做得到的决定。

最终决定去了，填表格时心里说想把时间献给上帝，为神做事，更加认识神，但是心中或许就是还有那么一点点的疑惑。上了大学特别会想回家，参加短宣，晚回去不要紧吗？可是，已决定的事也无法倒头，虽是带着疑惑去，但心中仍期待着神对我，会有什么计划。

Prayer Walk 时，才真正意识到短宣开始了，带着一丝丝的害怕，走了校园 。参加了几次短宣，每每都是最小的成员，很感恩的这次也不例外，心想应该都可以可以在 Senior 们的庇护下度过；可是 Walk 的路途中和弟兄姐妹的对话，其中也让我心想倘若我期待神对在短宣中期待着神让我改变，那我是不是也该走出所谓的 Comfort Zone 吗？

还记得进校的第一天，本来战战兢兢的我，很感恩的是，在学姐很温柔的帮助和陪伴下，踏出了突破的第一步——主动和人聊天，也把人生的好消息说给第一次认识的人听。第二天早晨，在还未出往校园的时候，我把眼镜不小心给弄掉近马桶里，拿也拿不起。习惯戴眼镜的自己买了隐形眼镜来顶一顶，却如此就少了自信和人说话。但靠着主恩，依然能服侍祂让我慢慢拾回勇气，从新出发。UTAR学生在给予Feedback的时候都让自己好好奇他们那里的大学生活，他们多数都过着好正面无烦恼的生活；本来想从生活问题上让他们因此明了自己需要上帝，却又对‘需要上帝’起了个提醒，也这样慢慢明白什么是‘seek the giver, not the gift‘。

第二天晚上，家里来了丧事的消息，病已久的婆婆去世了。因为这两年都在外地读书，平时能回乡都会想回去看看她，但离上次见婆婆的那时，也过了差不多半年了。事不如意，没有想到还没有机会见到的婆婆，在我不在的时候离去了。回忆起和婆婆以前曾有的相处，开始有些不舍，那时也因为没法在爸爸和公公身边陪伴他们的感觉，让我好挣扎好难过。Mandy和保罗也问我要不要回家，起先也因为‘又要’买飞机票彷徨了好久。为了‘要不要回家’，我也问了Mandy和自己好多遍‘为什么要回？’，‘为什么不会去会后悔’之类的话，自己也希望说做的一切决定不要跟着情绪走；和妈妈还有的谈话，再问爸爸意见，与Angeline的代祷后，当回过神来时，也决定不回家了。其实，不回去不只是因为爸爸不放心我一个人搭夜班的火车，妈妈在安慰让我知道我的心向着短宣，不要我一个人失落的搭火车，一心明确的偏向‘还未完成短宣，还有未完成的事‘而决定不回。

尚若我一个人回去，或许失落感会加重，因为‘未完成短宣‘让我挂念并仅可能后悔不留下。这件事也让我很感谢神说，祂的话语和安慰带有应许赐下能力让我心中依有平安，并有一班兄弟姐妹的陪伴让我很快就收拾起心情，从服侍神的当儿让我从心喜乐起来。

LIFE'S GAME with UTARIANS

第四天早晨，还记因为灵修没有感触后，我问了几位姐妹：‘当对神的话语麻木的时候，怎么办？‘的问题；因为没有答案，也带着同样的疑问近了校园。奇妙的是下午之后，神也让盲目的我开启双眼，看见这几天里祂奇妙的作为，经历了祂的力量而感恩。这次短宣，让我深深的体会神在我身上行奇秒的事，从祂哪儿来的勇气，智慧和能力，让踏出突破的好多步；因为我明白说尚若是平日的我，可没有如此般的勇气，智慧和力量向别人自然的谈起福音。服侍神的当儿，因为有了自己UKM和UTAR的弟兄姐妹在，让自己有着身体不累，心也不累的心情而起来服侍。

第五天晚上，和UKM和UTAR的弟兄姐妹一起集聚的当儿，让我很感恩当初决定参与短宣，也透过这短宣再次建立起我对神的信心，经历了神同在的喜乐，并能有所成长。那一个星期灵修不断提醒要‘爱弟兄’的约翰一书中，让我知道自己还有许多情绪方面的软弱需要克服；也透过这般弟兄姐妹的激励，让我短宣过得很愉快，很感恩有他们的陪伴。

神在祂的时间，让我明白很多事。如今看回去，这次短宣虽然是拦阻很多，却因为这一切，也彰显了神的大能和荣耀。

In remembrance.

I remembered some moments that we shared together, I remembered those time when I'm little you used to pull me aside to protect me if my parents scolded me while you scold them back.

I remembered you using nylon strings and rattan to mend the mattress, chasing chickens back to their little house every evening when the sun sets.

I remembered asking you where's my watch and you thought I'm joking, you point at my hand and thought it's my hand I'm looking for, I remembered you're always calling for the smallest child to go home when it's already night time.

I remembered only a little, but those is what that makes me know you, learns to know you're closed to me once. I didn't know what it's like before you loose your consciousness, how much did you love me, how much did you remember me or missed me when I'm not around.

But, I remember the happiness I felt when I know you still remember me though you're in the struggle of remembering people. I felt curious if you're trying to remember me when you look at me with your pairs of faded grey brown eyes. I wonder if you've realize that it's been quite long that I went back to see you, to visit you.

Little did I know you'll leave at times when I'm not around, leaving me stunned and unsure if it's right for me to not go back this time. I'm sad to know it's now, for it have been long since I wonder when I can go back and visit you. But for what's in my mind right now, going back this time wouldn't signify anything since you're already gone physically, maybe biggest part is to be with families, especially daddy and grandpa and stay as strong as I can. But. I felt sorry that I couldn't make myself to find a better reason that can make me go back right now with the situation I'm facing at the moment.

I love you, and I hope to see you in heaven. May God bless your soul, and pray that you'll be with our father in heaven living in peace, with no burdens anymore.

I love you grandma, till we meet again. ♥