Some little thoughts and very rusty notes

It has been a while.
Thoughts of writing were there but I figured I've done too little reading, and my state of mind weren't as great. Now...it seems better than before I'd say.

Last year was a struggle. And thank God this year seems like a turning point and there is a lot to gain than losses. Then I again I'd say it's the state of mind I'm in. This year is filled with many realization, many appreciation, many awakening and being free from all the whys and terrible feelings I've had.

Probably I'd say there are some factors that contributed to the change. Which I'm grateful for are some of the significant achievements this year, such as moving to a house we bought together. Being proposed to, yay hahaha. Spending time with people I love, making little milestone of reading a few self-improvement books. And taking a long break after feeling tired and fed-up of work for some time.

What I really appreciate the most is the changes above somewhat had steer my mind into a healthier direction. Either it's the endorphins or oxytocin lol but I finally understand and believe that the healthy state of mind and well-being I'm at is a choice of mine to have.

By first, acknowledging that I'm in a dark period and then constantly find ways to work towards the light is the greatest thing I can do to help myself.

Of course is to notice those who were by my side and have love me unconditionally. There's a point where I found that I am a toxic person to them and I will lose them if I continue to be an ass and toxic person if I do not stop on complaining about life or throwing tantrum/frustration towards them.

I'm blessed.
I guess I can say I slowly understand the struggles and challenges I had and I am still working to be better.
The key point is to never give up on the battle of having the control over your mind and emotions, and trying to stay as calm and peaceful you can be.

I can run and hide away if I want.
But time is running, I'm getting older by the minute, however my mental age will remain a little kid.
The world has its expectation on me but I try to not let it get to me and scares me away.
I try not to ever rush, and always try to make progress, even if it take just baby steps.

Sometimes you just have to pull yourself out of the pit, and most importantly, to acknowledge your weaknesses, and finally is to give time and make the effort of tackling them slowly.

Well for example, I used to dislike my housemate because I can't stand the different opinions and schedules of cleanliness of the house. So we decided to find a place of our own and that's one challenge down. It seems scary to own a house so young, but honestly, it does more positive than I could've ever imagine. Our own little space has helped us have a peaceful sanctuary to rest and recharge after a long hectic day outside.

That's just one example I can go on but to me this post is lengthy enough I think I should end here.

So to conclude, I guess is as the saying, there's a silver lining behind every cloud. The road to be a mature version of you can be a pain but once you've climbed over that mountain, every sticks and stones that break you will turn into dust. In the condition that you're willing to open your mind to the possibilities, make chance and effort for a better change, in your own timing.

Ha. Bye bubs.

♥

♥

If there's someone from whom I've learn about the love I have within me, it's you. Everyday since the day I met you, I only felt that my heart gets bigger by the second, instead of the exhaustion I've rant to you from time to time where I'm wear out and tired to love.

It's you who mould me to who I am right now, thinking there's a limit for my love to you, but apparently there isn't any. Before knowing you, I thought my love and patience was enough to last me to love a lot of people, but you have tested my patience and given me the opportunity to learn about forgiveness, also to understand wholeheartedly by trying to find ways to hang on by trying look from another perspective.

I don't blame you for how you're a little self-centered than I am and how much I've always ask more of attention from you. I myself is being selfish sometimes because I might have been too hard on you. Neither of us is perfect and we all have our flaws in ourselves. It'll be harsh and so unfair for me to label you as loveless when you didn't grew up surrounded by the love that I've learnt and live in.

So far. I've seen so many changes in you that I believe what I've preserved from the beginning seems to paid of. But that's not what I wanted the most from you. Rather from learning to love me alone, I'd want you to understand the source of love I gain and learn from and also learn what that love is meant for.

There's a saying that goes, "I'd rather love my hardest then to let go and regret." I didn't want to let you go knowing that I didn't love you enough. I didn't want to let you go knowing that you weren't introduced or shown to what the ultimate love is or came from. I'm going go give you my all despite the constant downfall, but I assure you as long as I know the meaning of love, I'll continue to love you with all my might.

My friend shared that: "Treating people with everything you have may not bring you any advantages or benefits at all, despite that, I'll still take action and be proactive in giving care and love. I love you, because He loves me first. I love you, no matter how you've act or how as a person you are, this is because He loves me, no matter how I've acted or how as a person I am."

Cheers to 312 days of loving you. ♥

First lengthy blogpost of 2015 :/

Its been awhile since I write here. Say.... 5 months. My goodness that's long!
I just, didn't have the urge to write or update anything about myself because I'm in a transitioning period where I'm trying to accept the new change in my life - an addition of somebody to share my life with?

Honestly I didn't cope well at first, so many changes happened so quickly and I find myself in a mess every time I try to reflect my life, so I hardly dare to sit and think what's going on but mostly think about the changes that made me lost my old self, and welcoming a new self I yet to know and get comfortable with.

I went from having different people to commute with and share time with into only mostly time now is spent with this one guy. I went from having a lot of alone time and time to do my own things without giving a damn about anyone until now, I have to start considering about another person.

All my life I've been single, until the 9th of September of 2014. And I didn't get use to the thought that I have a boyfriend and didn't make it a big deal until I find myself falling harder for him after being together with him for months.

See, the thing that hits me where I know this is getting real is when I first felt insecure in my life because I kept wondering how worth is it for putting so much emotion and effort on somebody else. The insecurity hit me kinda hard my emotions fluctuate so often I begin to imagine the worse possible, breakups, arguments, loyalty, all those nightmares you get when you start depending on one person and how would I possibly cope if something bad happen to 'us'.

Imagine this, when you decide to love somebody, will you put all your heart into it? Because I know I will. And, there's so many 'what ifs' because people and feelings will eventually change. Unless, you both are willing to make effort and make the relationship work. But, everything is so unpredictable. When I started getting attach, the thoughts where if our feelings aren't mutual constantly scares me, a lot.

6 months plus with him wasn't exactly challenging but it wasn't easy either. We had fights, but mostly initiated by me and my rich imagination. We had arguments, because I'm not satisfied for I guess, blame all the fairy tales and happy endings that got my expectations high. We nearly broke up, well of course I didn't feel secure enough and I'm tired of all the emotion instability I didn't want to feel anything anymore.

Honestly, being in a relationship has greatly affected me from where I kinda lost friends who didn't understand my situation. I too learn that I cannot give a lot of people as much time and company as I could before, they thought I've distance myself and thought I didn't appreciate them at last I lost friends who I thought I wouldn't. I lost my life I used to have where I joined CLC and serve God so constantly and almost everyday in a week but it changed when I find out I will be judge and told not to love someone that I shouldn't fall for. Not to say that they don't understand, but stubborn me didn't want to face all that pressure I distant myself with that group and lost a part of my once upon a time life.

Not only that, in the beginning when he's not around I found nobody to turn to and nothing else to do besides waiting for him because I didn't know how to balance my love I made him my world. I almost lost myself, but honestly, having certain friends that stays, having family beside me, the growing bond (I guess) with people that I've never talked to and still half-rationale me to tell myself to stop being so pathetic, I tried very very very very hard to rebuilt and recognize 'me' that I once didn't know anymore when I see the reflection in the mirror.

Then again, I was blessed to have found somebody stays in the same area with me, to spend everyday with. How many people will get this lucky to spend almost everyday with someone they wanted to meet eagerly most of the time? And despite all those fights and arguments, I realized how calmed I wanted to be or was capable of before is a lie. Being with him lets me know that I can get so frustrated and is able to nag non-stop and forever complaining. Another blessings that I constantly thank God for is, having a guy that have enough patience to deal with all of my tantrums.

Even though we still fight and argue, but he grew to know me well and listens and tries to make changes to fit my unsatisfactory slowly. I honestly give a lot of thanks to that. When I pushed him away he didn't really give up on me (at least that's what I've felt), he tried, but his ways that I'm trying to adapt with because, of course, I have my own dream expectations which are harder to achieve. Poor him. :/

But hor. Even though we meet almost everyday, even though he still doesn't want to make 'us' publicized or is not very good at saying sweet sweet words that will honestly makes me feel better, I find that I still can love him even more every single day. I always find myself looking at him and feels weirdly lucky because of all the people out there, this guy is here and is, sort of officially my boyfriend. Despite all the downsides, we both is still together after half a year and not even getting bored of each other's company. We're still trying to make appropriate adaptation to each other different personalities, and getting more and more comfortable with each other's presence in our lives.

I felt a little cheesy about this but despite him always sheltering his thoughts will openly/un-shyly talk about marriage or future lives together or children (not much but not avoiding too) or anything we didn't see eye to eye with. The being real and not guessing each other thoughts moment he rarely can share about makes me cherish him more. Hahah my goodness, only I can achieve to this level of honesty and I feel damn satisfied and good lol.

I've learnt how mummy love us unreasonably when I'm learning to love this emotionally-dumb guy. He, has learnt how bad my mood can get but still can dumbly smile and makes my heart melt wtf. I've learnt that how focused he can get until he kinda forgets me but still tries to make time for me when he can. I've learnt that how much he didn't tell about himself to other people but still willingly tell me if I've asked. I've learnt that even though we're both a couple it isn't necessarily for us to stick together with each other every single second because we still have to move on in our self-upgrading life. (I'm sorry to you for asking for so much but I really need the attention mah :P)

There's still many many unsatisfactory of course (aherm. I'm still waiting for him to dare to introduce me to his friends. aherm) but who gets smooth relationships without a fight? Even our parents had their first time in learning how to be parents, we're just toddlers in a new relationship and learning how to love.

Cheers, to 6 months 3 weeks and many many more years to come! :)

Appreciating 2014

Initially thinking that I'll end blogging in 2014 with my previous post. But I was loitering around the internet as usual, and end up blogwalking on several blogger's blog that I've followed for years. Makes me reflect on how unappreciative I am by writing something neutral (and somehow a little emotional) instead of being positive with 2014.

Honestly 2014 was a year that I've faced a little challenge on the 'real friend stays' problem and one of the most obvious phase where I learnt more about myself because of certain changes and adjustments. Nevertheless, I thank God for all these changes, and all the blessings that surrounds me every now and then.

Just very recently somebody told me: "If it wasn't you I didn't know how I can get through all these while". Well its sort of like that because I ain't gonna quote the whole exact phrase. (I too heard if from another friend of mine couple months ago.) Anyways listening to it again struck me kind of deep inside where I feel lucky and blessed. I admit that I've been neglecting certain people around me or didn't give them as much as they've paid attention on me, and I feel very guilty for that because I can't do anything to make it better. But I thank God for all I've gone through with all these friends that accept the change in me and how I treat them, still treats me as a friend and never ignore me for what I've did. They're all friends that are willing to open up and talk about the problems we've faced, and willingly too to not give up on what we've built up, to work out the whole friendship thing. I'm thankful for all of them.

Been talking to quite a number of people and processing so as reflecting with the relationship I had with my family and friends. Especially about families and it made me realized that I've very understandable parents that I can really talk to, even have the urge to tell them things about me or even listen to things about them. I know that within my circle of friends, it's a rare situation to have that close kind of connection. I'm grateful that I have parents that trusts me and didn't have any high expectations on me (in a way where I think that they won't give me pressure to achieve certain absurd target in life); they let me have the chance to choose my own paths in life as long as I am happy with my choices. I'm grateful that they'd accept the decisions I've made (with negotiation of course) and gave me support so as encouragement because their assurance really meant a lot to keep me going.

My relationship with God has too been on a rough ride this year. It hits the highest and also the lowest note this year. But I'm thankful that the connection, the love is still there. I'm glad I have the companion and testimony from brothers and sisters that's on the same boat with me giving me advice so as reminders for me to keep hanging on with the faith. I'm thankful that I wasn't gave up on, even though I've swerve into several wrong directions. I still long for the days that I've felt real peace and happiness, enjoying the privilege I have by being His child. Thinking that I haven't hit the highest tide yet but I pray I'll have enough strength by then to sail through it. I really need a boost, I need to be filled with eagerness again.

I'm thankful for the love and care I had from people around me. The lost of grandma when I was in Perak in January has shown me how much people around me care about me more than I did to myself. Loosing material things that's kind of expensive(?) or getting sick and having people around me that worries more than me and helping me out even though they owe me nothing makes me realize how lucky I am to have them (Some people just don't give a damn but these friends around me really really cares). Having best friends that doesn't give a shit on how long you didn't contact them but still treats you like the most important person in their life reminds me that how blessed and unworthy I am to have all them. Having extended family members be it organic social ties or mechanical social ties (woo with the social science terms ahaha) that still cares about my existence every now and then even when I'm away (somewhat away despite the holidays) from home for almost four years makes me too, feels very very touched because I'm not forgotten. (even though I no longer feel that I belong in their circle every time I go back ah well that bounds to happen)

Lastly. Kind of I don't know, highlight of my year? The part where I always struggle to write or not to write. To publicize or not to. So here goes nothing, since well, I didn't want to keep these thoughts inside of me to strangle and suffocate myself. There's time where I never thought this (being in a relationship) has actually happened to me only until I'm with him physically. Being with him taught me new things about myself and learnt to adjust into a new perspective of living. (I've been crazy single living in the wilds and flying everywhere in the past LOL) Honestly, I didn't know he's the kind of guy that I'd settled to, but I'm glad that we're able to click even though there's still several disagreements in between. It's like, I didn't knew I'd be compatible with this kind of guy (who's literally out of my league) and actually be comfortable with, somehow enjoying it too :P Haha. I don't know what the future will bring to us, but I'll be appreciating every moment being with him. Collecting his smiles is the best thing I can think of hehehe.

2014 was a year where time past at a 'just nice' pace, which I never did experience before, it was usually faster than expected. I thank God for this year, and looking forward to what 2015's gonna bring to me. Deciding not gonna make any resolutions this time round, will just go with the flow.

2015, C'mon baby! Hahahahaha. Wish all of you random people Happy New Years Eve and Happy New Year in advance! God bless. :)

。

时间过得好快，一年就这样结束了。

说实在，这一年，时间它快得不让我觉得跟不上脚步,也似乎没什么很明显的得与失。
反正，好像这一切，都在自己的预测中；
时间就是会那样的过去；事物就是会如自己所想的，得到和失去。

好像没什么起伏大的事，好像时间就过得好自然，所有的事都很平淡的发生了。

心情比较好像。。。
去泰国玩就好像 去就去咯的感觉
胖了就像 胖就胖咯 没什么的感觉
读书就好像 有学没学到都无所谓的感觉
连拍拖也是...感觉一切都自然

让我有点难以接受自己为什么会这样淡定的
好像有一点随便 有一点怀疑自己到底有没有在意这一切变化的发生

今年 真的没什么事
没什么特别开心的事
没什么特别伤心的事
没什么特别 很平淡 真的很平淡

或许 已开始慢慢了解自己

知道自己对什么事会有怎样的反应

所以心理准备得足足的

或许 瞳孔和思绪不再那么在乎自己的事

世界也慢慢不属于只有自己的了

已经很少去为自己的事反省 为自己的事烦恼 为自己要求很多

想想看

似乎第二个说法的可能性比较大

原来 世界不再自我 不是一个人后

就是这个样子的

但现在

最怕问自己的是

这样的改变 我会不会喜欢呢

。

曾经
喜欢突破过程的煎熬
喜欢那刺激的快感
喜欢尝试不同的事物
喜欢寻找机会不停的提升自己
要飞 就飞翔的自由

有了你在身边
一切都不再一样
变得像温室里的小花一样
变得像跟屁虫的傻样
安全感的定义 也慢慢改变
不是我自己说了算
反而已是向往着你的看法

一切的担忧
都由你而起

一切的心情
都随你而变

It was autumn.

It was autumn.

The season where nature changes it colours and dies into it's origin.

The season where the sky turns grayer than ever, 

where the people's emotion turns melancholy.

It was autumn.

The season when the wind was no longer something that people desire.

The season where people begins to long for the sun that they wished it was never burning so brightly during the summer.

The season when the temperature of the surrounding decides to be even further apart from your our own.

But, it was a season where the temperature never gets colder than the human heart when it decides to stop loving. 

It was autumn.

The abandoned pavement met the dandelion.

It was believed to be drifting in the winds for some time.

Searching for a place to settle.

Little did the pavement knows. 

It was not a good place for anybody or even anything, to settle there.

Except for shoe prints.

Or maybe, the rain.

Just, something temporary.

Little did the dandelion knows.

It settles at the place where something good wouldn't happen.

Unless.

The wind blows.

And the dandelion leaves.

Unless.

The dandelion was too tired to vanish directionless into the wind 

and it decides to root just, 

right there. 

However.

It was autumn.

The season where colours of the leaves blend and harmonized, 

as they embrace their death.

The season where the colder temperature holds two people who were in love even closer than ever, 

as they long for heat.

The season that reminds us that we're all lonely people.

Needing love to live.

Giving thanks.

I'm quite moved by the whole 'positive movement' thing on Facebook and although I was challenged by several sisters to do the 5 days giving thanks status sharing, I can't seem to do it. That's because I had to do it in Facebook, and I felt very naked showing all those emotions of things I've been through on Facebook. But it doesn't seems weird if I share here though, maybe because I needn't have to interrupt other people's view (their timeline) or as if I purposely want people to take notice of my life.

So here goes to a very long list of what I wanted to give thanks to the Lord, as he has given me more blessings that I can't keep the counts with my only two hands.

1. I thank God I like writing and have this platform (blog) for me to share. This is because it has became a great medium for me to express and share my thoughts. I needn't keep it or tell anyone (because sometimes I feel like I bother people if I tell them my personal things and there I would worry about people impressions on me too)

2. I thank God that DiGi didn't approve my change of call plans to postpaid, because if I do, I can't call Rebecca (my childhood and current best friend for life) and also Mummy as long as I want for free. (I'm using easy buddy and there's free calls for me everyday for my buddies! Hehehe.)

3. I thank God that He's been listening to my prayers ever since I don't know when. I seek to have closer relationship with Him and want to have the eagerness for His words and starting from the conference I joined not long ago until now, I've been having at least a little moment a day where I will spend my time with Him.

4. I thank God that He gave me a willing heart to serve and also a group of brother sisters to serve with together here in UKM. He knows that I need a very positive and encouraging environment to keep living on and yes, He is very faithful in giving me the privilege to serve under that very encouraging ambiance.

5. I thank God that I never have to worry about not having food to eat or not having enough money to spend whatsoever. He's been very gracious and a provider always because when I thought I will have not enough money to pay my fees for this whole semester, He miraculously snapped me out of my worries as He has provide more than I need now.

6. I thank God I was put into a college with a bunch of friends that really really understands me. Like seriously. They knew I don't like clingy people and always forgive me for ffk-ing them sometimes. They always knew that I am active instead of staying with only college friends kind of type so they allow me to be myself and not forcing me to stay with them. Last night, my roommate, the KP of our next big event even gave me a chance to choose my own partners because she knows I don't wanna be with the same people. T^T gandongdesuneh.

7. I thank God that the mission trip that I last joined and people I have served together with were still encouraging me in the way that I think about it almost every single day. Those people I met and the bonds we shared, the experience I have with them; the sharing from Reverend Lim from the conference until the last sharing among us members has left me with a great and very positive impact which goes on to moved my heart until this very second.

8. I thank God that it isn't too late for me to find out that I have always been staying in the right college because I have very very cute and very very friendly seniors + juniors. This year I got the chance to mingle a little bit more with them and I'm glad they're all not as scary as I thought. Eheh. Even Malay and Indian friends! I'm so glad I can befriend with them in a way where they've been really really nice and heart-warming.

9. I thank God I have people around UKM that continue to inspires me and making me have the urge to study harder (Esp my direct muahaha) and having a very similar attitude junior motivates me even more. OHH. And last Friday I met pastor Andrew and he shared to me about contemporary societies and how Jews, British, Chinese, Americans have developed or stayed developed as a very powerful society. Feeling a little mroe pumped up to work hard for my course this semester. Ganbatte!

10. I thank God that I have a chance to serve with The Bridge again in a primary school motivation camp in Klang. It's a very fruitful experience. At first I hasn't really mentally or physically prepared myself for the whole camp and I'm very worry that I didn't treat the children I'm to be in-charged of wholeheartedly. But it turns out to be a very wonderful lesson to learn. My group this time was surprisingly easy to manage compare to my last experience half year ago. (Maybe of the smaller number of people) But God has too show His mercy in making my group unusually small with 9 kids instead of 12 kids where other normal groups has. And there's this boy, call Vishva, his actions of repentance after two days giving me a lot of troubles have brought me to tears. It's impossible for me to remember that moment when he says sorry and the moment he shed tears where I accidentally saw.

11. I thank God that one of my best friend here in college has shared with me how her boyfriend got her to read the Bible and started praying to God. I always remembered that she once was the type of girl that has a lot to worry and a lot of things running in her mind but doesn't have any people to share with, the moment where she light up the incense at the temple but still she has no way to solve her problem; now she is different where I saw her giving thanks every night, and also told me that she has never experience this strength, this happiness and positivity ever in her life, until now.

12. I thank God that I have a lot of opportunities to serve Him. I remembered Sunday when I was the pianist of the Mass, I made several mistakes but Reverend Tang loud voices of singing and his smiles gave me courage to be calm and not panic. Haha. It's a weird mistake that I normally won't make because this time is purely because of carelessness and the lack of sleep (lesson learnt I will not sleep at 3am anymore lol especially on Saturday night).

13. I thank God that after campus life and the sharing from pastor Andrew I have learnt that my fear for clingy-ness have made me make a mistakes which is having a lot of touch-and-go friends. Because the fear of strings-attached but wanting to have more friends, I'm sort of the type where I have a lot of friends but 98 percent are all touch-and-go ones. But now I learnt that God has put several people especially my brother and sisters especially Thiam Hee, Chee Kang, Enie, Kelly Mah in my life where I should be closer to them if we really want to work this fellowship into a better direction. I'm glad I had quite some long talks with almost all of them and I really don't want them to think that I don't appreciate having them in my life, because the truth is, I do.

The list will goes on and on non-stop haha but I am in the mood to continue reading some academic materials back in ptsl. Fyi this post is a sudden urge to write after being in the library for 4 hours so I came to the cyber at UKM to update this post but mana tahu it takes me 1 hour. Nonetheless I feel very relief and happy to have my thoughts shared. :)

Until next time, God bless!

服侍的心

Felt a little discouraged and a little disappointed sometimes if brother and sisters ain't that enthusiast when it comes to outreaching to other students. I wanted to talk to the other student so much and want to search for the people prepared by God, then again, I didn't dare to fight alone.

留在这个团队，最让我伤心的是，当我看见弟兄姐妹那不愿意真心委身的心。真的真的很伤心，再多么想为神的事工做一点的事，没有弟兄姐妹积极的鼓励，再有semangat也会被泼冷水。我不要在自己的大学看不见神事工的复兴，我不想要看见忙于世界而忘了神的弟兄姐妹。可是，我真的不知道该怎么办。

Was cleaning up my desk and found a message I copied quite long ago. It's some sort of a reminder which I still wonder if I should share to them or not. But it's really quite 贴心 for my situation now.

PRAY THAT WE DO NOT SERVE GOD OUT OF THESE MOTIVES:

- to be good enough for Him, like the pharisee in Luke 18 v 9-14



9 To some who were confident of their own righteousnessand looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”


- to get something from Him, like the older brother in Luke 15 v 22-32



22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

- to pay Him back for saving us rather than loving Him for it like the 'imaginary Paul' of 1 Corinthians 13 v 1-3


If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

- to impress others, like the pharisees of Matthew 6

- to belong, like Simon Magus in Acts 8 v 15-23


15 When they arrived, they prayed for the new believers there that they might receive the Holy Spirit, 16 because the Holy Spirit had not yet come on any of them; they had simply been baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. 17 Then Peter and John placed their hands on them, and they received the Holy Spirit.

18 When Simon saw that the Spirit was given at the laying on of the apostles’ hands, he offered them money19 and said, “Give me also this ability so that everyone on whom I lay my hands may receive the Holy Spirit.”

20 Peter answered: “May your money perish with you, because you thought you could buy the gift of God with money! 21 You have no part or share in this ministry, because your heart is not right before God. 22 Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord in the hope that he may forgive you for having such a thought in your heart.23 For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.”


- because you think He needs you, like Martha in Luke 18 v 38-42



38 He called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

39 Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

40 Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, 41 “What do you want me to do for you?”

“Lord, I want to see,” he replied.

42 Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.” 43 Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God.


- in a way which assumes you don't need Him, like the disciples trying to drive out an evil spirit in Mark 9 v 14-29



14 When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. 15 As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.

16 “What are you arguing with them about?” he asked.

17 A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. 18 Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not.”

19 “You unbelieving generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.”

20 So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

21 Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”

“From childhood,” he answered. 22 “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

23 “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

25 When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.”

26 The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” 27 But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.

28 After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”

29 He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer.[a]”

回家。

这次我隔了最长时间才回到家，这次回来虽然也不是很久，可是就感觉特别不一样。

昨天坐在母堂里，心想，我好幸福，因为我能回来一个我成长熟悉的地方，身边的人虽然有些些变化，但那毕竟是生活。回到真道堂的那感觉我好喜欢。记得每每回来时，我都会算一算自己会有机会参加几次崇拜，几次团契。数目只要超过一只手，我就已经很满足开心了。

每次回来看见妈妈我都会无时无刻随随便便的叫很多次 “妈咪”， 然后曾有机会的时候抱抱她。比较难见到爸爸， 常常回家前我都会先下命令要他煮吃的给我。哈哈哈。没办法啊，为了让爸爸在家，只能做出这个要求，不然他又从早做到晚上呀。

这次回家，我带了好多书，因为深知道，把它们留在大学我也不会去唸。呵呵。这次回来，我也带了一个很大的烦恼回来。可是。我相信上帝必有祂的旨意，祂一定会很快给我答案的。

There's a few things I wanna do this time back home.

- Finish those unread novels I brought back!

- Self study the whole level 2 Japanese text book!

- Stay closer to God.

- Join 30 hours famine without fainting. Lol.

- Spend more time with my family of course! Go see popo kongkong. Balik kampung also!

- Jaga my face properly T^T and also make sure instead of loosing weight I won't gain any weight!

- Go out with friends! Movie kaki, best friends, go for fellowship! ^_^

- Have a little outcome in playing piano and guitar. I bought a mic hahaha dreaming wanna sing and record lol think I'm an artist meh. But this time round I seriously wanna compose something new.

- Focus on God and join mission conference and mission trip with a proper heart of serving the Lord.

A lot kan? Hehehehe hopefully this 6 weeks is enough for me to do all that. 

其实，回到家的自己常常都不太爱上网。OK so, I'll get back in having a life now. Hahahahha I'll blog soon I hope!

Midnight scrambled thoughts.

Greetings from UKM, one an a half hour after midnight. (Guess I'll finish this 2 or 3 hours later) Seems like I'm back into night-owl sessions instead of staying conscious in the morning huh.

So this will be more of a wordy post since I'm lazy to go through any pictures and yes I'm in a writing mood right now. As always, this will be randomly written with no writing orders.

I just finished my first ever varsity year in UKM. (Actually that was weeks ago but I went to Japan so I delayed maybe like 3 weeks?) Through it all I know I'm far from blessed to things and knowledge I learnt and picked up along the way be it academically or through experience.

To me, one year has passed by with not very great impressions and neither it has any impact on me. I can't seem to 'find myself' for the first semester and also the first half of second semester. I only get the impression or feeling that I'm a degree student only starts at the second half of second semester in first year. Which is, 9 months after staying in UKM.

Since then everything started to make sense and I can finally follow the pace of being a degree student. Finally. To me it wasn't that late, I hope. And through some programmes I joined and friends I've met here, I get to know myself more, and what I wanted to achieve in the future seems to get clearer.

Thank God for everything.

Here's a little something off track that I wanna share about myself, this might hurt my future CV I think but I like it better if I'm more honest with my feelings. I don't wanna hide anything about me and I must write this out because I can't keep it for myself.

To be honest, via academically, I didn't quite learn a lot. I thought it might be the way where I see things have affected me to think so and I find it my very big weakness that I have no idea how to change. You see, starting second semester I blame on the academic system where I have to learn business and statistics since it's like not very related to my course. But then it does. It's just me that thinks that I'm no good in learning things related with figures that make me a little bias. So that's me. But I thank God He got me through all without giving up while making complaints. I thank God He gave me chances to learn with a bunch of cute friend and also with Dr.Vivian that sincerely and genuinely guided us through the learning process. Of course I'm not satisfy with the effort or attitude I have for this semester academically, but I'm glad I pull through everything without giving up.

Lesson learnt: I can differentiate what I didn't like but I must learn to upgrade the level of tolerance towards things that I thought I couldn't accept. Not everything you do will suit your likings, despite all changes and differences, you should learn to accept and learn for the better. No rugi too if I have extra knowledge right.

Next. Via hands-on programmes. Throughout this one year, honestly I say, I found out that I have an extreme attitude towards people, if it’s neither ways, then you’re in my neutral list of people.

I normally wouldn't have any opinion towards anybody, until you did something that caught my attention. I've learnt that I have the weaknesses in not being able to tolerate certain attitude and consider you as the ‘bad person’ immediately after you pick on my nerves FOR AFTER SOME PERIOD. I won’t judge you right after you do something wrong, but it kinda piles up and boom, there goes our relationship. Into ashes. Normally after you’re categorized as being so, it will need a lot of time for my opinion to change about one person.

But I normally wouldn't feel sorry for having this kind of attitude. I have my own limits but I cannot deny my way of settling things wasn't as matured enough to stay in the real world. Then again I think that’s being me. I like being honest with myself and towards people. Unless I know you’re the kind that wouldn't listen to other people advises then yes, I would not waste my thoughts or saliva on you.

Lord tells us to forgive our enemies. I can do that with time, but first let God’s love and time heal my wound.

By the way. This post wasn't written to aim on someone particular. It just kinda sums up some thoughts after learning myself better. I’m glad I learnt my weaknesses throughout this one year. I hope through time I’ll change for the better, and I will act more professional in future occurrence. Hopefully the same thing wouldn't repeat though.

Lord help me.

ブログ五歳の誕生日。

It's five year since I first started blogging. I mentioned from two blog post earlier that I started then, was because of the volunteers I encountered during The Bridge's camp that I joined when I was around 14 years old. I first knew the existence of blogger then, and became fascinated and too intrigued to write things that I myself compose. So, that's how it started. :)

I'm glad my blog was kept alive until now. Haha. It was not frequently update I know, but I still have the desire to keep it and update it now and then.

Some of the exclusives and not shared before on this blog. The old address to my past. I'm not ashame of them but yea. Hahaha it's nothing worth mentioning I know but here's down memory lane on a special day like this. :P

My first blog - www.chill9thessa4.blogspot.com

My second blog - www.orange-music-lover.blogspot.com

My third and currect active blog - www.meanttobemylove.blogspot.com

Reasons that made me settle on this blog, is Because I made a promise to myself although the first post didn't really make any sense. And. I'm glad the name isn't as cheesy or weird anymore as compared to my first and second blog? Haha. Meant to be my love is kind of attaching eversince too. So I'm happy with this and will be always contended with this.

I think if some of you notice, I have more than 3 blogs. Few other secretive lol private kinda blog, language blog, and some-official-academic-related blog. I too own micro blogs such as Myspace, Dayre, Tumblr. Wondering how I keep up with them? I too have no idea. See what my feelings lead me to choosing which to write on lah. Haha. I guess I'm the type that where I can't stay at one place for too long but will eventually miss them when I'm long gone and return to update. But one thing never change throughout the year is, I still love to write. :) I'm glad that passion's still there. I don't think it's more of an interest or so. It's a part of me which I cannot let go of.

You are always here with me.

I admit. My life was in a downpour and all I do was to wait for miracles to happen. Without myself doing anything. Yes. I was waiting, but not making effort. I gave thanks to the Lord in opening up a chance for me to experience His love and grace again. I was afraid to shut my heart on Him, and reject all the promises He gave me. Sometimes, in faint hope, I prayed that my heart won't give up on His grace, and He listens. He listens. Deep down, I know without Him I am nothing. Deep down, I know without His love, I won't be who I am today. I will be worse. I will be walking the street and not living a real life. I mean. With God. With His grace, with His love. I found life. I found life with true happiness, everlasting love and hope. As sang by Britt Nicole herself, it says that "No matter what comes, God will never leave." I believe in that, but I somewhat take it for granted. Until my feelings really get cold with Him. I felt lost again. God mentioned that to love Him, it's either to love Him with all your heart, or not at all. It's took me a hard time turning back, the road was forever going and not coming to an end, but at that moment where I found Him, I dread to feel the emptiness without Him again. I don't want to be away from His words, His love, His grace, His presence. Finally I know what it is like to have faith on God as my shelter with all His covenants and promising words. Thought I was lost but I didn't fear as much. I wasn't insecure. I wasn't unsure about His love for me. Thought I was lost but I didn't lost hope in being able to find my way back. I know I'll find Him eventually. I know I will. I know my Father will be right there waiting for me to come back. He'll let me learn through the mistakes I've made, and make me learn the lessons through the roads I've gone through. I know His love for me will never fade.

Lord, thank you.

The Alphabet Tag

A. What is your Ambition?
I don't really have an ambition. I'm quite open with what I will be doing in the future as long as I enjoy doing it and it's pay is sufficient to give me a comfortable life.

B. Boyfriend or Girlfriend?
Never so far. Single for 20 years now. Haven't found the right one I guess. Even if I said I have the gamophobia every time, I hope I'm just joking. :P

C. Favourite Chocolate?
So far. Ritter Sport topped every brand that I've tried before! :9

D. Dog person or a Cat person?
Doggie of course. Definitely will get one in the future if got chance! Ain't no wanting cat because, uh, cat is not a friend. Cats treat people like you're their slaves lol.

E. Situations you've Experienced that you missed the most.
Recently it's the motivation camp that I've volunteered in. And it brings back memories to the times where I'm in youth fellowship. I miss that too. Sobs sobs. :(

F. Family?
Mummy is always a supermom and daddy is always the protective dad. Mummy lets go but daddy questions everything. Two perfect combination though, I'm quite balance-ly brought up I must say. I'm the eldest child in the family. I have a younger brother who's quite handsome I think and currently studying in a college back home. My youngest sibling is my sister which, I think she's a duplicate of the old me. Hehehe.

G. Goals. Long and short terms.
Long term - Upgrading myself in every aspects. Learn new things and mastering old skills!
Short term - Study hard to try to get a scholarship T^T

H. What makes you Happy?
Little things. :) That are related to appreciation, cherish, love, care. Things that makes my heart feels warmth especially. ^_^

I. Music Instruments that you play.
Piano. Guitar. Hehe. Not skilled type tho. I can play. But probably not perform. XD

J. Jobs that fascinates you.
Jobs that brings impacts and positive changes to people's lives first hand. Wide range actually, from teachers to volunteers to social workers etc.

K. Opinions about Kisses.
Errrrrrrr. No comment. Haha. But I still kiss my own mummy and daddy! You should too :*

L. Opinions about Love.
First, is the love of God - Agape and Phileo. Second... Often I will ask God to take away feelings that aren't from Him (esp when I have absurd crushes or admiration that I cannot tahan lagi) I've once read a book call "I kissed dating goodbye" *recommended* and it kinda changes my opinion on falling in love. Love is an act of giving. The willingness to serve your partner and also capable to make them a better person.

M. Movies that you wished to watch again.
Inception. Star trek. I dunno. Marvels. Yea all the marvels.

N. Nerd, Geek, Dork or Dweeb? Why?
Somewhere in the middle of dork and geek... I think. I don't know if I'm intelligence enough to be a nerd or a geek. But I'm definitely not a total dork. I mean. I socialize duh. But only when I wanted to. I don't think I have problems in socializing either. Lol. This is bringing me into a black hole. I'm normal okay. Normal.

O. Something you're Obsessed about.
Uhh. Are we stuck in the nerd or geek talk again? Lol. Anyway I think I'm kinda stuck on social websites. Back then it was television and lengthy novels. Now it shifted. And. It's not a very productive or fruitful change I must say.

P. People that inspires you.
Those volunteers and brother sisters that accompanied and has been there with me throughout my rebellious years when I'm in youth fellowship. They're really people that inspires me which I still look up to until today. All of them.

Q. Queen of your heart? Why?
MOMMMMMMMMY. Because she's the best. Haha.

R. Some of the favorite books you have Read?
Recently only academics one. I missed reading fictions. :( I don't have favorite books/novels or any particular author that I prefer either.

S. Spiritual Life.
Without God, I am nothing. Everything I do in life, is for the Glory of His Name. My life breathes God, and I live for God alone. He is the source of my strength, the reason to my happiness.

T. Traits or Things you notice in a person that you admires.
Tall. Single eye-lids but roundy type? hehe. Thin. Speaks and write understandable English. Some talent or skills maybe? haha. Kind, humble and not boasty type. Knowledgeable like daddy but pandai jaga duit like mummy. Somebody that documents memories, be it writing or photography maybe. Most importantly is loves God. Yerr so many 要求. Hahaha.

U. Something you're Unable to accept.
People that compliant all the time and being all negatives only. Beh tahan. Really.

V. Places you wanted to go for a Vacation.
Europe, Copenhagen, Rome has always been the places I wish to go. But currently is Japan first la. Then if minimize the scope, is backpacking at whole Malaysia. Sabah is at the top of the list. And oh, I wanna go Taiwan too! Singapore perhaps? That's it I think. Haha macam banyaknyer.

W. Your Writing habit.
I LOVE WRITING. You see, I normally don't share through face-to-face kind of sharing eventhough I like doing that too. Sometimes I would prefer writing a blog post or write on twitter when it's only one short moment of thoughts. I normally tell my feelings to twitter though. So it's kinda a little negative there because it's where I express my unhappiness. Better not sharing what you're upset to people and making them upset right? 写写后忘记就好了。不牵涉别人。

X. Your X-ray Experience.
Erm. It was before entering UKM. Nothing much though. Except that day I brought Elyn and Menda with me and a whole pot of porridge so I can feed her. Awwh kesian she has to follow me to places where I run my errands. But she's been a good girl. I miss her. :'(

Y. Yucky Food.
Ermmmmmm. I'm not very picky leh. Other than durian and cucumber, I think I'll eat mostly anything la. As long as it looks yummy. Hehe. Feast the eyes before my tummy yo!

Z. Zits.
Zits? Pimples? LOL. Of course I have them. I think my condition is not so good. I hope for smooth non-pores skin but I guess I'll never have them. Mostly are scars now and seriously, the pores are very visible. :(

育华小学三天之旅 （下）

从新和文桥的回忆 —— 营会三天没夜

和先锋组的些些回忆
非常非常非常的感恩说，这不是一个让学生们过夜的营会！*松一口气* 这是因为，当我以为一位助长（我）面对十五位组员不是一件很难的事时，我发觉自己大错特错了。第一天，可以说还好，精力满充沛的；第二天，身体开始有一点撑不了；第三天，还打瞌睡了好几次。

但是，我感恩的是，虽然组员里有好多我自己设定的顽皮排行榜；我深知道说，他们的顽皮度其实也没到让我很头痛的地步。我感恩他们调皮中还是会体谅和听话，他们玩闹中依然会好好的不去反抗我所说的那些话。

我更感动的是，他们在Superstar In Action里的演出。排练时，因为自己的声音不是很大声，为了能够让他们在偶尔的闲聊或吵闹中注意听我的指示时，我喊得自己快破喉咙了。至今我都觉得自己说话有些沙沙的。

一起编排了故事内容，角色和对白后，我不打算插手了。他们投票选了“跳舞”后，说实在，我内心有些怀疑他们能不能做到，又不能拒绝他们的决定因为拒绝就代表说自己看不起他们；可是我跳舞都没啥经验的，除了几次已有人编排的舞步而参与罢了。所以，这次我坦白告诉了他们：“美美姐姐不会跳舞哦，你们两个组合要自己想舞步的。” 他们就开始紧张，一组尽然跟我说要迟回因为要练习，另一组就要隔天早到因为要练舞。哈哈，他们紧张又认真的摸样，好可爱。隔天，好多组员开始紧张一直一直问我问题，我坦白说，回答的开始有些些敷衍。可是，看得出他们紧张和害怕时又不得不让他们觉得放心，所以记得自己好多句的回答都说，放心吧，一切都会没有错的。还有，随便跳几步就好了，记得有音乐就给我摇动身子呀！

过后说真，当我心也跟着碧波碧波跳时，我有些些没有在担心的。我知道，我也相信自己的孩子们很聪明。他们一定会自动，也一定会负责人的演完。果然，比我想像的还要更好！哈哈。顽皮排行榜第一名的冠达弟弟突然间在跳舞时含蓄了起来；本来好安静的咏萱妹妹突然间在做旁白时声音响亮的不得了；爱笑的佩颐妹妹也突然间不笑场的认真跳舞；一样很帅的鸿耳和钦宏也跳得全场为他们欢呼；可爱的睿恒又跳跳一下后狂蹦到后台的那个动作让我不小心不能tahan的大笑；欣蔚妹妹很听话的不把屁股面向观众；平时黏人的大喇叭美仪害羞又认真的演了教练；给了很多Idea后真得给我演到夸张的不得了的联兴弟弟；我可爱的司仪紫晴妹妹；认真想台词又说错还很镇定的桔森弟弟；还有明明普通时候可以跟我啰里吧嗦的桂芳，抒洁，鑫键和诗茵既然低调的默默付出。呵呵。

我为他们的努力感到自豪，也很感恩是他们和我同组。各个都有让我看见自己不足的地方，让我学习到我的耐心和智慧有待加强，也看见其实现在的十二岁其实没有我想像的那么恐怖。嘻嘻。他们在科技的陪伴下长大，以为会很成熟又有些无理取闹，让我有点害怕接触他们，可是其实，他们也要乖巧听话的时候，重点是，他们各个都很有想法很聪明！:)

和义工们的些些回忆
从认识0人开始到几乎每个一共都大概接触过，我很感恩我信靠了神，不被自己的害怕胆怯给淹没。大家一起去吃 Kajang Satay；也认识了组员要为他找女友的 Chee Wei，要吓我的阿飘铭轩，帅帅又酷酷很generous的lend我helping hand的颂康弟，总是陪我说话的鸿恩，让我有点点怕怕可是其实不恐怖的心妍，笑到很漂亮的Elaine，让我不断想起自己妈咪的Mei Ling姐，笑声非常特别的秀秀姐，超级活泼可爱的金华姐，还有默默陪伴我的Hui Bin姐，Crystal，诗慧，小箐，Wendy，金美等~当然，还有非常温馨的燕群姐。:)

总结
感恩上帝感动了我参与文桥的营会。感恩他赐我勇气，让我不看见我的不足和害怕，反而去学习信靠着祂的大能，凭着信心来参与这次营会。虽然快期末考了, 感恩上帝让我透过这次营会纾解了压力，更感恩能因此寻见起初服侍祂的那份爱，喜乐和满足。透过营员们我看见自己有好多好多地方得多多学习和加强，也透过他们而如今更加清楚认识我自己和未来的去向。感恩能遇见一般因为不同原因而有同样目标参与营会的义工们，他们的见证，对学生们的爱和付出鼓舞和激励了我要继续透过不一样方式来服侍祂，把福音的种子给散播出去，也让祂的爱飞翔~

P/S. I've been quite beaten for a while because I only have one particular life in UKM where everywhere I go it's UKM people or things related to UKM. Kinda have that 为什么没有新鲜感 punya life. I DREAD to have a life where there isn't any UKM people involved or something different where I can turn to if I wanna escape from life at UKM just for a little while. This camp made me find a way to have another life outside of UKM. I realized I've lacked the fellowship time where you build yourself up with His words instead of only working for God.

Being in UKM there's CLC where we will spread the Gospel quite frequently but there's not so much of fellowship where we can really build up that 温暖 punya feel or self-upgrading with His words kind of time. I missed YOUTH FELLOWSHIP. I miss GROWING HEART. Those were the life I kinda dread to have. Since I've found the missing part in my life, guess it's time to make a little change. Next semester I hope.

For now. Chiong for FINALS! *exam mode on*

育华小学三天之旅 （上）

刚从育华小学的激励营中回来。身体故然疲惫，心却仍在火热中。

以往和文桥的回忆
对我来说，文桥，是一个让我生命不再一样的一个缘。五年前，我开始写我的第一个部落格，还记得，那个开始，是因为文桥。那让我点燃对写部落格的爱，是因为文桥，他的营会。确确实实的，是因为那个营会，因为里边服侍的义工们。（本人今天可以说有蛮多部落格的，都包括仍活着或者已被遗弃的，这些部落格存在的原因是因为不同的开放度在不同地方写的不同心情。）再来是青春路，文桥辅导事工的一本激励小书。曾记得自己被当时在少团的义工们邀请参与一项在青春路的column，也就从那时开始，自己也蛮注意一下有机会得到的每一刊青春路。

从新和文桥的回忆 —— 进营的前和后
一个月前，芝君姐妹在Facebook上tag我关于文桥在召集义工的post。眼看有好几个小学可以做选择，因为太忙又有交通问题，所以自己只选了加影一带的小学帮忙。当下，还记得自己没有答应过要参加的方式下参与了。== 说实在，到现在为止我不曾在和小燕姐的沟通中说过Yes，我要做义工。可是，我感恩，当他开始assign我工作时，我没说no，也印着头皮一个人参加了这个团队。我感谢神，因为祂，让我感动多过一切所有的疑惑。

还记得，还没参加营会的前两个星期，一直都在忙着project, assignments, presentation, programme 和 quiz。还记得，营会开始的前两天，我都连续凌晨四五点才能睡，而且那两天内也交上好几份assignment，去quiz，和做了presentation。营会筹委所吩咐要做的组别卡，实话实说，因为紧张自己会是最后一个做好，所以在一个小时内就赶着把它做完了。至于舞蹈，我一个都没练。要进营的那天，还记得自己是在半夜十二点开始练到凌晨三四点，不tahan后才甘愿睡觉。

更感恩的事，自己因为五年前的的曾今接触，所以一些舞步有些熟悉，很容易就学会；至于活动的过程呢，也因为那份很细的报告，和曾今在那五年前参与过，所以大概知道小燕姐的expectation而感到放心。放心得让我可以早一些睡，要不然，就算已经凌晨四点钟我都不会让自己睡觉。肯定会完完全全睡不着。

进营的几个小时前，坦白说有一些后悔参与。因为担心自己会是一个人。因为除了小燕姐，我谁都不认识，谁都不知道。可是，因为答应了，十五个小学生的责任都在我手上，我没在了，他们怎么办？第一次，凭着信心，硬着头皮对自己说，去吧。反正，啥退路都没，再说，没尝试过你又知道结果会怎样？逃避面对问题，只会让自己更加后悔。

进营的那天，认识了欣儿和诗慧，两位很可爱的十五岁义工，信心也一点点的建立了起来了。（心想，socially awkward是我个人的选择，所以也放胆的，交了两个新朋友。）


待续......

Facts about Kuching you don't know ! (maybe some of you know these)

I CANNOT BE ANYMORE PROUDER. HAHAHA DESPITE WITH FACT NO.32 OR NO.34.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THIS POST. It's originally from presstag.blog.com by アブン (all credits to this awesome guy) and I came across it on http://myblogkuching.blogspot.com/2014/05/facts-about-kuching-you-dont-know-maybe.html

Sorry for re-posting but I just HAVE TO let more people know about this.

KUCHING | INTERESTING FACTS
by アブン on presstag.blogspot.com

Below are some interesting facts about Kuching that we do agree thanks to アブン who had the passion to list them down for us:

1. Kuching is the first city in the country where motorist can 'turn left when exit is clear' legally! (Now started to be implemented in Putrajaya)

2. More than 50% of houses in Kuching are Semi-D and bungalows which is more than any other cities.

3. There are more satelite dishes in the backyard of Kuching houses than other place combined together.

4. Most of Kuching pretty girls go out without make-up,wearing simple short, T-shirt and japanese slippers.(o.O)

5. Kuching is the city where the majority of family in here have the motto of 'one person one car' and not 'one family one car'. When the children get their license, they will eventually have their own car. Form 5 student will drive to school. Even when fuel price hiked the number of cars in a family will still be the same.

6. Kuching's roundabout is VERY VERY VERY big compared to other cities. It has the size of almost 1 and half the size of a football field. They could even build dozens and dozens of houses inside the roundabout and thousands of plants and trees in it.

7. The people here often refer the location in the city by using the word "mile". Example are 3rd mile, 4th mile, 5th mile and so on.

8. Many shops in the cities start to close their shop at around 6pm to 10pm at night.

9. Majority of the people in Kuching is more family minded than money minded.

10. Places that a tourist would most probably visit when they are at Kuching are Jalan Song (for the foods), Friendship park (for dating), Waterfront area (for the culture), cultural village (for the culture also), Damai Beach (for the beach), Santubung (for hiking) and various national parks (for the animals and plants).

11. Foods that should not be missed when visit Kuching are the famous Kolo Mee, Mee Po, Kampua mee, Laksa Sarawak, Kek Batik/Lapis, Kueh Chap and 7th mile teh C peng and most importantly our Tomato Mee.

12. When you order fruit juices at food courts, prepare to face the curious and blurry expressions from the locals there. Why? Local people seldom order fruit juice and fruit juices in Kuching is quite expensive. They mostly ordered Teh C Peng or Teh C Special (3layer drink).

13. Kuching has one of the luxurious and largest DUN (Dewan Undangan Negeri) building or could be said as palace.

14. The majority of people here are more civilized minded compare to other cities in Malaysia and most of them are very friendly.

15. Various languages are mastered by the locals here such as Sarawak language, Iban language, Bidayuh language, Hokkien language, Mandarin language, Bahasa Melayu, English and so on.

16. Don't be surprised if you see non-malay speaking Iban/Sarawak language and malays speaking mandarin. Its a norm here.

17. Majority of local guys here have tatoo on their body.

18. Do not expect all the long houses to be made of wood, built in the middle of the jungle, with no electricity and water, surviving with only river stream nearby! Its not true. Most of the long houses here are already developed and looked like a long terrace house with abundant electricity and water supplies.

19. Most cars in Kuching are imported cars such as Porche, Mazda RX8, Nissan Skyline, Toyota, and Honda (this shows that the people here are quite rich). However, there are also a lot of Perodua Viva and Kancil (for renting and economic usage).

20. Kuching have lots of food courts perhaps the highest/sq feet where muslims and non-muslim stalls opening together. You can order satay and kolo mee and eat together. Perpaduan to the Max here!

21. In Kuching, you can go kayaking in the sea, caving, jungle trekking, mountain climbing, shopping, national park visiting, visiting border town market(serikin-indonesia/msia) all within an hour's journey. You can't do that in other cities of Malaysia. You can't do kayaking, mountain climbing and jungle trekking in KL.

22. Kuching has a lot of churches.

23. Kuching is a city that has 2 salvation armies.

24. Kuching has a roundabout with a kindergarten and backpacker's lodge(Transit point) in it.

25. Kuching has the most beautiful roundabout-flyover (kenyalang interchange)

26. We have a place called Saberkas which is similar to Low Yat Plaza in KL selling electronic gadgets.

27. Kuchingites childhood instant noodle is called the "Lee Fah Mee" and not Maggie Mee.

28. Kuching is where you can find "Whitelady" in almost all drink stalls. (Only Kuchingites know what it is)

29. Kuching waterfront is where you can find "Gambir" sold legally everywhere. (Only Sarawakian knows what is Gambir)

30. "Demak" brand motorcycles are produced in Kuching (That is why we have Demak Laut Industrial park)

31. In Kuching you don't only see KFC, Pizaa Hut and McDonalss in Shopping Malls. We have our homegrown "Sugarbun" fast food chain too!

32. Kuching has a special complex where the whole area is selling pirated CDs/DVDs and it seems to be legal. (Kenyalang Park)

33. Kuching is the only city in the world having two mayors... (DBKU and MBKS)

34. Kuching people are pure lazy to walk, they will park their cars next to the coffee shop they patronize, preferably by the side of the tables they sit, even if it is illegal..

35. We are not addicted to Tutti Frutti or Baskin Robbins, but Kuchingites will go for a Sunny Hill Ice Cream on a hot day!

36. Kuching has a lot of mixed marriage couples! And they respect all types of religions! You can easily see Malays attending a wedding reception in a Catholic Church, or Chinese lepak lepak with Malays around.

37. The famous 3-layerred tea was originated from Kuching 7th mile.

38. Kuching is the only place where chinese-made ais kacang and kolo mee can commonly be seen done by malays! (We have halal kolo mees here!)

39. Kuching has a "Jalan Keretapi" without any signs of keretapi.

40. You know what is "Terubok" and "Midin" if you have been to Kuching or Sarawak.

41. Kuching's Oyster Pancake(O'Chien) is extra-large and crispy-type compared to other Oyster Pancakes.

42. Kuching has the most massage parlours per square km in Malaysia. You can normally find AT LEAST 20 ads of different massage parlours in one page of chinese newspaper here.

43. In Kuching, the left lane is normally the faster lane. Please bear with the fact when you are driving around Kuching City.

44. In Kuching, there is no "wrong way" for your routes. Because whichever direction you choose, it can still lead you to your destination. There are thousands of shortcuts here!

45. No matter how dirty Kuching is, please accept the fact that Kuching is the Cleanest City in Malaysia.

46. Kuching city is the cleanest cities in Malaysia and was voted as one of the world's healthiest cities, recognized and awarded by both United Nations (UN) and World Health Organisation (WHO) and by the Alliance for Healthy Cities (AFHC).

Jap #3

眠いですね。それでも、これポスト速い終りたい。

昨日の午後、マレーシア人と中国人とアフリカの人と日本人の友達とぺタリンストリトとアロストリトへいきました。とても楽しいよ。華人の食べ物を食べました。美味しい！

However, using Japanese to type is using more time and mental energy than I've expected. Although I've checked and changed the mistake using Google translate, I doubt if the sentences will make any sense or look funny.

Then again this is not my point though. My point today was, as you see in the topic, more different cultural differences analysis(?) LOL from me. More of my opinion lah not analysis WHY SO geekily SERIOUS =.= And I'm certainly not a majime. Hehehe. Maybe I am? I don't know.

When saying "Thank you", Japanese will reply in a variety of answers. Unlike Chinese, it's always a reply of "不客气" or "不用谢" which means it's okay or my pleasure or there's no need of thanks. When Japanese will feel it's more polite to say as much thank you as you can, as Chinese you would kinda feel shy if someone keeps saying thank you. However, if Malay or any other Bumi who has Malay as their mother tongue, they'd probably reply you "sama-sama" which means same to you. For English, what's mostly heard will probably be "You're welcome", or "My pleasure." As for the variety of replies that I mentioned before, here are some examples where Japanese will answer you after you told them thank you, or doumo arigatou gozaimasu.

- Kochirakoso, arigatou. (More like Malay's reply of "sama-sama")
- Doitashimashite (You're welcome.)
- Daijoubu/ Iie (It's fine, It's okay)

Japan is not a dating country. Hehehe okay this may sounds a little exaggerated but I think it's getting better throughout the era of globalization lol. Unlike in Korea or any western or more open minded country, you'd see public displays of affections anywhere you go and people wouldn't find it weird or they won't even stare at you. I think it still depends on how open minded the Japanese lover you're dating but most/majority of them will feel shy for holding hands in public. (that's what I heard and I'm looking forward to ask more Japanese friends to make sure) Of course hugging or kissing is kinda weird to do in public. Lolol I know it's the same in Malaysia la. But how about during farewells like when your lover is going travelling on a plane and you had to say goodbye in the departure hall?

Most Japanese guys wanted their wife to stay home and be a housewife. Ermmmmmm. I didn't have Japanese friends who has married yet but yeaaa. I think it's their lack of daycare or nursery center in Japan which allow this phenomena to happen. I know Japan is a developed country but to have this kinda thing happen there at this generation, I want to see or experience life there myself to double confirm.

Japanese people wouldn't show expressions or feelings and affections. Okay I think this might may be exaggerated and generalized too which I shouldn't do but heyya who cares. Alright here's what I mean. Just like most of the boys have grown up in the environment where they're urged to "be a man" no matter what and not share their feelings or even not allowed to cry because doing that will make you look sissy, Japanese guys are more of like still having the higher status than women kind of being. In Japan, being touche with your family members especially parents are kind of a hard to witness situation. You don't really see Japanese son hug their mum(?) OH I so hope this isn't true cause it kinda sounds sad. But yea I guess that's kind of their beliefs as boys are seen as masculine and non-manja type and man-ish. Those who acted soft might be more of a rare case. Which brings me into my next point.

Uhhhh wait. I think I've pointed this out before in Jap #2. But I'd like to add on is in Malaysia, you can see the extremes of emotions in their faces. When people or friends are happy or sad, their face and tones of speaking will state the obvious. But for me, I think Japanese sometimes will keep it to themselves. I don't mean like not sharing their feelings or something like that but, it's like they don't go extremes or think it's very necessary to show their feelings that much? So okay if you'd want me to show you their level of emotions shown on their faces everytime with a figure here goes.

Here. Hehehe. Okay the red color lines is the Japanese people expression levels while the blue ones are Malaysians. It'd always be more show-ness for Malaysians compare to Japanese.

Man are hard workers, however.. Okay. So here's something I heard too. But I admire them. In Malaysia you might find women has equally or sometimes more leadership skills and often hold high positions for their jobs. While you may find men who are least of what woman here is. I didn't say men in Malaysia are not capable, I said, YOU MAY FIND THEM HERE, in Malaysia. So in Japan, men doesn't care about how much their partner might earn, they just want to be solely capable in winning the bread or making enough money to support the family.They're probably seem as more responsible and the hardworking ones, stressing to make sure every family members will be taken good care of. So yea. I hope I make my point. However, the suspension is actually going back to my previous point where, they would mostly hope their wife stays home and be the home administrator. Which I kinda think it's a little unfair if their partner is well educated and wanted to work in the corporate world or so. I believe there is understanding man who will let their partner goes out to work though, but with the daycare issue, I'm still not sure how the real thing goes...

You can't use ha? when you want someone to repeat something towards Japanese people. I think it's normal for the Chinese culture, or maybe Malaysian's culture to reply a HA? once you didn't heard what the other person says or you wanted them to repeat. But in Japan, I don't know why, YOU JUST CAN'T. Because it's rude to them if you do so. If you want them to repeat the word, either you reply them with Eh? or "mou ikkai" or "mou ichido" which means one more time.

Everything, is just high standard. I mean, that's what you expect in a developed country anyways. People working at the department stores to restaurants that serve you their daily meals, they'll give you a one-hundred percent polite and happy faces when they serve you. Even vending machines(fyi Japan is a vending machine heaven lol), like one of those vending machines at the most random places, such as this:

will work absolutely fine even it's out of nowhere! Like literally every drink options will be available and non-working or drinks unavailable cases are rare yo! Unlike Malaysia, especially UKM, the vending machines here are super annoying in which, some drinks inside, might be out of stock and it'll take forever for somebody to stock it up. Even worst, the vending machines here might experience vandalizing! And talk about the service attitude in Malaysia, le sigh. It might be normal for somebody to be moody and serve you with a smelly face or some bad attitude. I don't know why, but it's very normal here.

Right. Maybe this post might sound a little or a lot of stereotyping but yeah I apologizes if it offended you in some way probably. These are just opinions that I find interesting and would like to talk about and to really experience it first hand so I could KNOW if it's really really true or not.

じゃ、また！

五月の生活

Pictures first. Since the last two post has been wordy. Very wordy. Hehehe.

 

照骗先。嘻嘻嘻。再来真照。

Then it's Food Paradise Festival where Rina-san, Yuki-San and Shota-san set up a stall to make Japanese food which is ONIGIRI and OCHAZUKE! Heeeeeeee.

Then it's International Language Festival ;) Thank You Nezu Sensei for helping me wearing this Yukata! I like the blue ones better though but lol blue are often a boy's colour for their Yukatas(?) Didn't take picture with the Happi though T^T 

YAKITORI!

Korean Food - Gimbap (Korean sushi), Tteokbokki (Spicy Rice Cakes) and Kimchi Pancake. YUMMEH and super cheap yo!

Thanks to Irfan I have fast pace days but AWESOMEEE. 

Love the guitar but sad I have to give it back to him when he returned though :(

Last Sunday I went to Shah Alam for Amigos Club's programme. I felt kinda dragged there but thanks to Shari (Blue hat) I had crazy fun! I thought I'd be freaking afriad of heights with climbing trees and stuff but I pushed on. It's only cause there's no turning back once you climbed up a 5 storey height's tree =.= Had to continue on BUT IT WAS FUN! And somehow I kinda conquered my fear for heights? Hehehe lemme tell you why later.

Sunway Lagoon!

Jenggggggz! So this is why. I actually said to Rina-san let's go once she asked me if I wanted to. Without any hesitation. And normally I'd be afraid of normal roller-coaster too but this time I rode the VUVUZELA. Google up that if you don't know. Haha I think I'm super cool now! Lol thanks to Epy who dared me to go at first. I'm like why not? Type of mood you know since I thought it will be nothing else different compare to Skytrekking. So yea. (Y) However a little disappointing when I found out that guys (more to saying Epy and Yuki-san XP) is afraid of seen-able heights(?) Don't know how to explain but they didn't wanted to go on with the Flying-fox. So urm maybe wrong assumptions but I didn't confirm with them lah. Hehe.

 

Healthy disgusted looking strawberries but cheap! Been trying to eat healthy since I kinda gained weight but... I can't differentiate when's my stomach's boring or hungry. This sucks.

Bored on the preparation for college dinner. ZZZ. I was glad I slept gao gao and only go there in the afternoon. I thought I wasn't important in the part of preparation and I was kinda right. My job only starts when the real event starts. Eheh talk like I'm the star of the show, but nahh just somebody who stands backstage. But seriously, I was at the backstage for the event the whole time. Like literally.

 

At least the best part is I got to wear pretty-pretty and take pretty pictures. Haha.

So these were actually bigger events wear there's photo documentation lol and here comes wordy updates. Haha. I was getting busier though and I kinda like it since my past uni life (at least months ago) I think I actually slept through in order to have time passed by faster. These days it just, passes normally and I actually feels like I've done things.

Presentations, assignments, programmes, projects. It's making me busier but I felt good with it. Sort of like, I'm living again. My life is alive again, you get what I meant? Then again there's the downside of it where I didn't have time to get my clothes washed or even kept my room in a clean/ proper order. It's like, I'm living in a huge mess =.= Well sort of. Ok lah. That's enough update for now, gotta get some things done and go to bed yo!

お休みなさい。Goodnight! ：）