ブログ五歳の誕生日。

It's five year since I first started blogging. I mentioned from two blog post earlier that I started then, was because of the volunteers I encountered during The Bridge's camp that I joined when I was around 14 years old. I first knew the existence of blogger then, and became fascinated and too intrigued to write things that I myself compose. So, that's how it started. :)

I'm glad my blog was kept alive until now. Haha. It was not frequently update I know, but I still have the desire to keep it and update it now and then.

Some of the exclusives and not shared before on this blog. The old address to my past. I'm not ashame of them but yea. Hahaha it's nothing worth mentioning I know but here's down memory lane on a special day like this. :P

My first blog - www.chill9thessa4.blogspot.com

My second blog - www.orange-music-lover.blogspot.com

My third and currect active blog - www.meanttobemylove.blogspot.com

Reasons that made me settle on this blog, is Because I made a promise to myself although the first post didn't really make any sense. And. I'm glad the name isn't as cheesy or weird anymore as compared to my first and second blog? Haha. Meant to be my love is kind of attaching eversince too. So I'm happy with this and will be always contended with this.

I think if some of you notice, I have more than 3 blogs. Few other secretive lol private kinda blog, language blog, and some-official-academic-related blog. I too own micro blogs such as Myspace, Dayre, Tumblr. Wondering how I keep up with them? I too have no idea. See what my feelings lead me to choosing which to write on lah. Haha. I guess I'm the type that where I can't stay at one place for too long but will eventually miss them when I'm long gone and return to update. But one thing never change throughout the year is, I still love to write. :) I'm glad that passion's still there. I don't think it's more of an interest or so. It's a part of me which I cannot let go of.

You are always here with me.

I admit. My life was in a downpour and all I do was to wait for miracles to happen. Without myself doing anything. Yes. I was waiting, but not making effort. I gave thanks to the Lord in opening up a chance for me to experience His love and grace again. I was afraid to shut my heart on Him, and reject all the promises He gave me. Sometimes, in faint hope, I prayed that my heart won't give up on His grace, and He listens. He listens. Deep down, I know without Him I am nothing. Deep down, I know without His love, I won't be who I am today. I will be worse. I will be walking the street and not living a real life. I mean. With God. With His grace, with His love. I found life. I found life with true happiness, everlasting love and hope. As sang by Britt Nicole herself, it says that "No matter what comes, God will never leave." I believe in that, but I somewhat take it for granted. Until my feelings really get cold with Him. I felt lost again. God mentioned that to love Him, it's either to love Him with all your heart, or not at all. It's took me a hard time turning back, the road was forever going and not coming to an end, but at that moment where I found Him, I dread to feel the emptiness without Him again. I don't want to be away from His words, His love, His grace, His presence. Finally I know what it is like to have faith on God as my shelter with all His covenants and promising words. Thought I was lost but I didn't fear as much. I wasn't insecure. I wasn't unsure about His love for me. Thought I was lost but I didn't lost hope in being able to find my way back. I know I'll find Him eventually. I know I will. I know my Father will be right there waiting for me to come back. He'll let me learn through the mistakes I've made, and make me learn the lessons through the roads I've gone through. I know His love for me will never fade.

Lord, thank you.

The Alphabet Tag

A. What is your Ambition?
I don't really have an ambition. I'm quite open with what I will be doing in the future as long as I enjoy doing it and it's pay is sufficient to give me a comfortable life.

B. Boyfriend or Girlfriend?
Never so far. Single for 20 years now. Haven't found the right one I guess. Even if I said I have the gamophobia every time, I hope I'm just joking. :P

C. Favourite Chocolate?
So far. Ritter Sport topped every brand that I've tried before! :9

D. Dog person or a Cat person?
Doggie of course. Definitely will get one in the future if got chance! Ain't no wanting cat because, uh, cat is not a friend. Cats treat people like you're their slaves lol.

E. Situations you've Experienced that you missed the most.
Recently it's the motivation camp that I've volunteered in. And it brings back memories to the times where I'm in youth fellowship. I miss that too. Sobs sobs. :(

F. Family?
Mummy is always a supermom and daddy is always the protective dad. Mummy lets go but daddy questions everything. Two perfect combination though, I'm quite balance-ly brought up I must say. I'm the eldest child in the family. I have a younger brother who's quite handsome I think and currently studying in a college back home. My youngest sibling is my sister which, I think she's a duplicate of the old me. Hehehe.

G. Goals. Long and short terms.
Long term - Upgrading myself in every aspects. Learn new things and mastering old skills!
Short term - Study hard to try to get a scholarship T^T

H. What makes you Happy?
Little things. :) That are related to appreciation, cherish, love, care. Things that makes my heart feels warmth especially. ^_^

I. Music Instruments that you play.
Piano. Guitar. Hehe. Not skilled type tho. I can play. But probably not perform. XD

J. Jobs that fascinates you.
Jobs that brings impacts and positive changes to people's lives first hand. Wide range actually, from teachers to volunteers to social workers etc.

K. Opinions about Kisses.
Errrrrrrr. No comment. Haha. But I still kiss my own mummy and daddy! You should too :*

L. Opinions about Love.
First, is the love of God - Agape and Phileo. Second... Often I will ask God to take away feelings that aren't from Him (esp when I have absurd crushes or admiration that I cannot tahan lagi) I've once read a book call "I kissed dating goodbye" *recommended* and it kinda changes my opinion on falling in love. Love is an act of giving. The willingness to serve your partner and also capable to make them a better person.

M. Movies that you wished to watch again.
Inception. Star trek. I dunno. Marvels. Yea all the marvels.

N. Nerd, Geek, Dork or Dweeb? Why?
Somewhere in the middle of dork and geek... I think. I don't know if I'm intelligence enough to be a nerd or a geek. But I'm definitely not a total dork. I mean. I socialize duh. But only when I wanted to. I don't think I have problems in socializing either. Lol. This is bringing me into a black hole. I'm normal okay. Normal.

O. Something you're Obsessed about.
Uhh. Are we stuck in the nerd or geek talk again? Lol. Anyway I think I'm kinda stuck on social websites. Back then it was television and lengthy novels. Now it shifted. And. It's not a very productive or fruitful change I must say.

P. People that inspires you.
Those volunteers and brother sisters that accompanied and has been there with me throughout my rebellious years when I'm in youth fellowship. They're really people that inspires me which I still look up to until today. All of them.

Q. Queen of your heart? Why?
MOMMMMMMMMY. Because she's the best. Haha.

R. Some of the favorite books you have Read?
Recently only academics one. I missed reading fictions. :( I don't have favorite books/novels or any particular author that I prefer either.

S. Spiritual Life.
Without God, I am nothing. Everything I do in life, is for the Glory of His Name. My life breathes God, and I live for God alone. He is the source of my strength, the reason to my happiness.

T. Traits or Things you notice in a person that you admires.
Tall. Single eye-lids but roundy type? hehe. Thin. Speaks and write understandable English. Some talent or skills maybe? haha. Kind, humble and not boasty type. Knowledgeable like daddy but pandai jaga duit like mummy. Somebody that documents memories, be it writing or photography maybe. Most importantly is loves God. Yerr so many 要求. Hahaha.

U. Something you're Unable to accept.
People that compliant all the time and being all negatives only. Beh tahan. Really.

V. Places you wanted to go for a Vacation.
Europe, Copenhagen, Rome has always been the places I wish to go. But currently is Japan first la. Then if minimize the scope, is backpacking at whole Malaysia. Sabah is at the top of the list. And oh, I wanna go Taiwan too! Singapore perhaps? That's it I think. Haha macam banyaknyer.

W. Your Writing habit.
I LOVE WRITING. You see, I normally don't share through face-to-face kind of sharing eventhough I like doing that too. Sometimes I would prefer writing a blog post or write on twitter when it's only one short moment of thoughts. I normally tell my feelings to twitter though. So it's kinda a little negative there because it's where I express my unhappiness. Better not sharing what you're upset to people and making them upset right? 写写后忘记就好了。不牵涉别人。

X. Your X-ray Experience.
Erm. It was before entering UKM. Nothing much though. Except that day I brought Elyn and Menda with me and a whole pot of porridge so I can feed her. Awwh kesian she has to follow me to places where I run my errands. But she's been a good girl. I miss her. :'(

Y. Yucky Food.
Ermmmmmm. I'm not very picky leh. Other than durian and cucumber, I think I'll eat mostly anything la. As long as it looks yummy. Hehe. Feast the eyes before my tummy yo!

Z. Zits.
Zits? Pimples? LOL. Of course I have them. I think my condition is not so good. I hope for smooth non-pores skin but I guess I'll never have them. Mostly are scars now and seriously, the pores are very visible. :(

育华小学三天之旅 （下）

从新和文桥的回忆 —— 营会三天没夜

和先锋组的些些回忆
非常非常非常的感恩说，这不是一个让学生们过夜的营会！*松一口气* 这是因为，当我以为一位助长（我）面对十五位组员不是一件很难的事时，我发觉自己大错特错了。第一天，可以说还好，精力满充沛的；第二天，身体开始有一点撑不了；第三天，还打瞌睡了好几次。

但是，我感恩的是，虽然组员里有好多我自己设定的顽皮排行榜；我深知道说，他们的顽皮度其实也没到让我很头痛的地步。我感恩他们调皮中还是会体谅和听话，他们玩闹中依然会好好的不去反抗我所说的那些话。

我更感动的是，他们在Superstar In Action里的演出。排练时，因为自己的声音不是很大声，为了能够让他们在偶尔的闲聊或吵闹中注意听我的指示时，我喊得自己快破喉咙了。至今我都觉得自己说话有些沙沙的。

一起编排了故事内容，角色和对白后，我不打算插手了。他们投票选了“跳舞”后，说实在，我内心有些怀疑他们能不能做到，又不能拒绝他们的决定因为拒绝就代表说自己看不起他们；可是我跳舞都没啥经验的，除了几次已有人编排的舞步而参与罢了。所以，这次我坦白告诉了他们：“美美姐姐不会跳舞哦，你们两个组合要自己想舞步的。” 他们就开始紧张，一组尽然跟我说要迟回因为要练习，另一组就要隔天早到因为要练舞。哈哈，他们紧张又认真的摸样，好可爱。隔天，好多组员开始紧张一直一直问我问题，我坦白说，回答的开始有些些敷衍。可是，看得出他们紧张和害怕时又不得不让他们觉得放心，所以记得自己好多句的回答都说，放心吧，一切都会没有错的。还有，随便跳几步就好了，记得有音乐就给我摇动身子呀！

过后说真，当我心也跟着碧波碧波跳时，我有些些没有在担心的。我知道，我也相信自己的孩子们很聪明。他们一定会自动，也一定会负责人的演完。果然，比我想像的还要更好！哈哈。顽皮排行榜第一名的冠达弟弟突然间在跳舞时含蓄了起来；本来好安静的咏萱妹妹突然间在做旁白时声音响亮的不得了；爱笑的佩颐妹妹也突然间不笑场的认真跳舞；一样很帅的鸿耳和钦宏也跳得全场为他们欢呼；可爱的睿恒又跳跳一下后狂蹦到后台的那个动作让我不小心不能tahan的大笑；欣蔚妹妹很听话的不把屁股面向观众；平时黏人的大喇叭美仪害羞又认真的演了教练；给了很多Idea后真得给我演到夸张的不得了的联兴弟弟；我可爱的司仪紫晴妹妹；认真想台词又说错还很镇定的桔森弟弟；还有明明普通时候可以跟我啰里吧嗦的桂芳，抒洁，鑫键和诗茵既然低调的默默付出。呵呵。

我为他们的努力感到自豪，也很感恩是他们和我同组。各个都有让我看见自己不足的地方，让我学习到我的耐心和智慧有待加强，也看见其实现在的十二岁其实没有我想像的那么恐怖。嘻嘻。他们在科技的陪伴下长大，以为会很成熟又有些无理取闹，让我有点害怕接触他们，可是其实，他们也要乖巧听话的时候，重点是，他们各个都很有想法很聪明！:)

和义工们的些些回忆
从认识0人开始到几乎每个一共都大概接触过，我很感恩我信靠了神，不被自己的害怕胆怯给淹没。大家一起去吃 Kajang Satay；也认识了组员要为他找女友的 Chee Wei，要吓我的阿飘铭轩，帅帅又酷酷很generous的lend我helping hand的颂康弟，总是陪我说话的鸿恩，让我有点点怕怕可是其实不恐怖的心妍，笑到很漂亮的Elaine，让我不断想起自己妈咪的Mei Ling姐，笑声非常特别的秀秀姐，超级活泼可爱的金华姐，还有默默陪伴我的Hui Bin姐，Crystal，诗慧，小箐，Wendy，金美等~当然，还有非常温馨的燕群姐。:)

总结
感恩上帝感动了我参与文桥的营会。感恩他赐我勇气，让我不看见我的不足和害怕，反而去学习信靠着祂的大能，凭着信心来参与这次营会。虽然快期末考了, 感恩上帝让我透过这次营会纾解了压力，更感恩能因此寻见起初服侍祂的那份爱，喜乐和满足。透过营员们我看见自己有好多好多地方得多多学习和加强，也透过他们而如今更加清楚认识我自己和未来的去向。感恩能遇见一般因为不同原因而有同样目标参与营会的义工们，他们的见证，对学生们的爱和付出鼓舞和激励了我要继续透过不一样方式来服侍祂，把福音的种子给散播出去，也让祂的爱飞翔~

P/S. I've been quite beaten for a while because I only have one particular life in UKM where everywhere I go it's UKM people or things related to UKM. Kinda have that 为什么没有新鲜感 punya life. I DREAD to have a life where there isn't any UKM people involved or something different where I can turn to if I wanna escape from life at UKM just for a little while. This camp made me find a way to have another life outside of UKM. I realized I've lacked the fellowship time where you build yourself up with His words instead of only working for God.

Being in UKM there's CLC where we will spread the Gospel quite frequently but there's not so much of fellowship where we can really build up that 温暖 punya feel or self-upgrading with His words kind of time. I missed YOUTH FELLOWSHIP. I miss GROWING HEART. Those were the life I kinda dread to have. Since I've found the missing part in my life, guess it's time to make a little change. Next semester I hope.

For now. Chiong for FINALS! *exam mode on*

育华小学三天之旅 （上）

刚从育华小学的激励营中回来。身体故然疲惫，心却仍在火热中。

以往和文桥的回忆
对我来说，文桥，是一个让我生命不再一样的一个缘。五年前，我开始写我的第一个部落格，还记得，那个开始，是因为文桥。那让我点燃对写部落格的爱，是因为文桥，他的营会。确确实实的，是因为那个营会，因为里边服侍的义工们。（本人今天可以说有蛮多部落格的，都包括仍活着或者已被遗弃的，这些部落格存在的原因是因为不同的开放度在不同地方写的不同心情。）再来是青春路，文桥辅导事工的一本激励小书。曾记得自己被当时在少团的义工们邀请参与一项在青春路的column，也就从那时开始，自己也蛮注意一下有机会得到的每一刊青春路。

从新和文桥的回忆 —— 进营的前和后
一个月前，芝君姐妹在Facebook上tag我关于文桥在召集义工的post。眼看有好几个小学可以做选择，因为太忙又有交通问题，所以自己只选了加影一带的小学帮忙。当下，还记得自己没有答应过要参加的方式下参与了。== 说实在，到现在为止我不曾在和小燕姐的沟通中说过Yes，我要做义工。可是，我感恩，当他开始assign我工作时，我没说no，也印着头皮一个人参加了这个团队。我感谢神，因为祂，让我感动多过一切所有的疑惑。

还记得，还没参加营会的前两个星期，一直都在忙着project, assignments, presentation, programme 和 quiz。还记得，营会开始的前两天，我都连续凌晨四五点才能睡，而且那两天内也交上好几份assignment，去quiz，和做了presentation。营会筹委所吩咐要做的组别卡，实话实说，因为紧张自己会是最后一个做好，所以在一个小时内就赶着把它做完了。至于舞蹈，我一个都没练。要进营的那天，还记得自己是在半夜十二点开始练到凌晨三四点，不tahan后才甘愿睡觉。

更感恩的事，自己因为五年前的的曾今接触，所以一些舞步有些熟悉，很容易就学会；至于活动的过程呢，也因为那份很细的报告，和曾今在那五年前参与过，所以大概知道小燕姐的expectation而感到放心。放心得让我可以早一些睡，要不然，就算已经凌晨四点钟我都不会让自己睡觉。肯定会完完全全睡不着。

进营的几个小时前，坦白说有一些后悔参与。因为担心自己会是一个人。因为除了小燕姐，我谁都不认识，谁都不知道。可是，因为答应了，十五个小学生的责任都在我手上，我没在了，他们怎么办？第一次，凭着信心，硬着头皮对自己说，去吧。反正，啥退路都没，再说，没尝试过你又知道结果会怎样？逃避面对问题，只会让自己更加后悔。

进营的那天，认识了欣儿和诗慧，两位很可爱的十五岁义工，信心也一点点的建立了起来了。（心想，socially awkward是我个人的选择，所以也放胆的，交了两个新朋友。）


待续......