Snapped.

It's always been quite sad to know that I am too weak to control my emotions when I'm with those who cares about me. I lost my patience easily and always let the problems take charge of all that I am. And because of that, I've hurt those who're always there for me.

Every time I'd think myself as a person stuck in a large tube with no way out. Waters that are problem keeps adding in they have no way out. Until it reached my neck level I began to panic and starting to feel like I'll suffocate. At that point often forgot that I could float, even when the water keep adding in, and I'll forget that I have a mind and I can find a way out. But I'd prefer to stay there idly, shouting for help, and blaming those who're letting the water into the tube I'm standing at.

Many times, my eyesight narrowed down when I'm with those who're close to me. I see less of the big picture, I thought I know them well enough and when something slammed down which disturbed me in all sort of ways, I begin to dig out the weakness I know about them, and let it be the reason I snapped. Instead of searching for a way to pull through, instead of making it all better again. At this point, I'd turn into an inconsiderate demanding beast wanting everything to go my way. How hard I tried to not let the emotions engulfed me alive, how hard I tried to make myself to not make it a big deal, I succumb into it.

Maybe I know them well enough I allowed myself to act that way because they'll take me back no matter what.
Maybe I lost the shield that's been hiding my true self because they're the people I trust most with my unstable emotions.

OR. Maybe I just like making excuses for myself, foolishly allowed myself to self-degrade in front of those who loves me and not allowed myself to change this stubborn attitude nurtured inside me since I was young.

All my life I'm never ending thinking about life and death issues. I pictured death always and sometimes it just simply haunts me even when I'm asleep in my dreams. Many times I'd remind myself, what if I suddenly died later but act this way now. WOULDN'T I REGRET? I'm always fascinated and impressed with book authors that embraced life, treasured time in the fictions they wrote. Reminding myself that life's short to not embrace, cherish, making the most out of it like they do.

I'm always at a point that's wanting to talk some senses out from myself. Recently have been trying to think more about that, since it's never too long until I left. Today I literally thought the tears gland in my eyes are filled so full I could explode anytime. But even as hard as I wanted to remind myself not to snap, I seems to fail, every time.

Back to the core and ask myself again. Have I been too self-centered, thought I could do it all alone instead of putting it all in God's hand? Have I forgot that He's there to catch me when I fall?

chapter 66 - I'll only regret if I didn't spend enough time with them

I'm not worried about not earning any money from the part time job I currently have. I'm just very scared. YES SCARED that I didn't spend enough time with my family once I leave for university.

Yes, recent big news is I got offered into UKM and will be taking Anthropology and Sociology. I'll leave in less than two months, which I feels that it'll be just few blinks of eyes away. Praise God, I got the first choice I filled for UPU. FIRST CHOICE that's right. How little people it is that got their most wanted choice in Malaysia for their university application?

If you're following me on twitter, and did take notes on my tweets, you may realized that I complaint a lot about work. I admit that I did complain more than serve the customers, and not going to deny that I dislike the working environment. Too much negativity around that kills my spirit, I tried hard to find a bright side about work, but it's hard to do so when people that you face 12.5 hours are constantly telling you things that you can't agree with.

Another major reason............that makes me regret for taking after this job............which I just found out (results of having conversations with myself lol)........is because I'm leaving. Just the thought of it makes me wanna cry. Literally. I feel like I didn't spend enough time with my family. I did not do enough. I'm starting to miss everything. I'm starting to miss mum and dad. I'm missing my brother and also my sister. I miss home. I'd give up the job I have now to spend time with them, even if it involves like just sitting side by side not talking because having them around me is enough. Ok crap. I need to talk to them. I need to have them side by side and talk with them. But I can't just give up like that. I spent too of mum and dad's money. Too much. With the trip to Malacca, KL, Sibu and upcoming Sabah, I bet it reached up to half a million. I guess? And now I'm about to spend more, for the registration fees and and the living expenses for moving to Selangor.

I hope I'll cope with the job after time passes by, hope I'll get use to it soon. Hope I'll have enough time after work to do all the preparations, the medical check-ups, opening an account in a new bank, applying ptptn, searching for scholarships and more little things before the deadline. Most important of all, is spending time with the people I love.

But......... How to tell my boss that I want more holidays? I want to go to both growing heart and youth fellowship? I want to go to mass on Sundays? I want to take leave and practice for serving HIM-praise and worship for mass? I want to have dinner with my family everyday? I want to do preparations for university? I want to hangout with the kuchingnites before we all go our own ways? I want to spend time with my besties before one of them leaves to Taiwan, and before I didn't have the chance after leaving for U? I don't want to miss out Kuching Festival, Logos Hope, Summer Mall?

Too many things to do, too many self-demands, too little money, too little time. In this case, I seriously need to 分身.



Hey. What I wanna conclude is. Don't take the close ones around you for granted. Cherish them while you have the time. Life's too short to miss out on the people you love and loves you. Life's too wasteful for not living it for God.

chapter 65 - till the end of June :)

After two weeks straight of outings with Jerry and Janice. After one week of rest (Strictly said was something like quarantine from going out cause I had too much fun), I was allowed to go out again. And this time, me and the 3 other guys of Kuchingnites, followed with Cassandra and Chian, we went to Sibu to meet up with our ex-college pals! :)

6am in the morning at Kuching Sentral.

Obviously I just can't sleep. Too excited yo!

And here we are at Joyce's house with her nephew. Immediate bond I say. Kids are just..... I like how you can just make friends with them without hesitation. :)

Vin vin throwing his tantrums. But little aunt Joyce sure knows how to handle! *claps claps*

Yesh this is 3++ in the morning we weren't asleep cause had a long late night talk after the long blackout.

So instead we helped Joyce's mum to make kuih. She said because of us she finishes off early. But because of her we know how to make some kuih and most importantly, EAT! Haha.

Ham chee peng in the making. My favourite! :9

The not pretty but still can eat ones.

Eileen mama. Owe her a big thank you. She made our days filled with non-stop laughter, love and also warmth :*

Jacq! Without her we would be walking around. Or renting cars. Or not able to go to hidden places with heavenly food. She's so passionate in helping us I dou bu hao yi si ki :/ 

Joyce babe! Goshhhhhhhhhhh because of this lady we have free accomodation for 3 nights! Erm another night we spent at Tanahmas hotel la. But then 3 nights with kevin, aunty, uncle, her brothers. Free food and lessons in making kuih summore. Dang because of this, staying in Sibu felt much more like staying at home. She's so filled with sisterly love ♥

Went to Chloe's working place at Everwin just to see her. She's too busy can't take leave so we had to visit her instead. Still looking good and crazy as usual yo. She's been a lovely lecture mate, a great teacher on the subject we used to study and also an awesome caring friend. Loves her :*

At Terminal K! It was like, the best karaoke outlet I've ever been to. At the price of RM10 per person, with a big room, two drinks per person, perfect songs choice, nice audio and service. IT'S MORE THAN WORTH. So far I never found such nice K's in Kuching.

Jacq has the thickest and sexiest voice in the room. Celine Dionnnnn type. Ahah.

Once upon a time champion singer Jov with Jacq. (Y) Music to my ears~ Haha.

This guy sing K pattern banyak like badminton. But he has very nice voice. And this is the first time he went for singing K. I was like.......................okay.

And the blackout hits before we finished our K's. Approximate 530pm :/ Bummer. So we camwhore instead.

More camwhores.

More more more.

In the car. While we're stuck in the traffic jam because the traffic light's out.

It never stopssssss :)

At the agua's shop I mentioned in the last post. :)

Borneo Cultural Festival opening ceremony!

Unlike Kuching Festival that lasts for a month, this lasts for only one week.

Eating agenda never ends too. Supper.

At the hotel room. I felt sorry for the people who clean the room though. Two single bed, that fits 7 people. :O

Eileen mama didn't sleep cause she waited all of us to sleep, and confirm that we all could wake up on time, to swim. Esp the 3 guys.

Cheese cake eatin @ Pepper's cafe!

After bath. Waiting for the guys so we could go to Central Market for breakfast :))))))

There's a lot of places we've been to, thanks to their heartiest planning for us.

石山公园 - Had to climb stairs of mountains @@ but haha it was urm worth since the view at the peak was dang awesome and after all of the food eaten, I guess we need to burn some of em eh.

The restaurant with my favourite choice of food!

With Wenn Nee, Cindy and Josiah at Fefe :)

Stucked in the arcade.

Because taking picture with eyes close is just too handsome (Y) haha.

Playing 仙女棒 bought at Pasar Malam in a park near Delta Mall :)

This just makes me explodes with laughter. HAHAHAHAHAHA

At Muhibah's food court :)

Back from the trip, time for some weight loosing. Will start a more consistent plan after Thursday. Lets hope the will power's strong enough!

Blessed week to y'all :)

Foodhunt @ Sibu

It begins with a 8 hours long ride on the bus. Deciding on a comfortable bus is VERY crucial I tell you. Although I didn't sleep in the bus we use for going to Sibu, it was comfortable that there isn't much rocking or making me sick that I seriously feel like puking. I had no choice but to sleep on the bus coming back to Kuching, even so I didn't think I had a very comfortable ride even when I spent most of my time eyes closed.

The first meal we had in a shop name 世家 just beside the bus terminal - Mee Sua. Leroy said his boss recommended this dish in that particular shop, so we tried. It was quite nice with the soft chicken meat and also the sweetness of the wine in the soup. We chose the amount of red wine to add so yeaa I add in quite a lot. (Y)

Paus' made by Joyce mum! She sells kuihs every weekday morning so we are very lucky to have a chance to try, and actually made some too! 

First dinner with the sibu gangs. I was very very surprised by the price of this big meal. Not only it tastes superb, 12 people eating and yet there's still many leftovers and overall it was like RM180++ only.

Next morning we had kampua for breakfast. One of the must eats in Sibu :))) There isn't much different compare to Kuching's kampua but here you can choose to add soy sauce or not. Then the meat isn't the typical char sew found on every Kuching noodle's topping, it was just, none marinated pork.

Back from kampua, Joyce's mum prepared a table full of food for us for lunch. Her curries are yummy! Aha I have a thing for spicy food what. :9

麦克思 bread loaf. Jacqueline said it was freshly baked and softer compared to other brands. I sayyyyyyy urm it was nicer than fujisan's la but I've tasted nicer ones? Hmmm then again I always dig the sides of bread loafs so I actually like the sides of this bread cause it was a little crispier. Maybe cause of the soft interior the difference of the sides were obvious ehh. :)

Wet kompia! :) Ate in a very very all stall opened in a hidden housing area. Soggy but the taste's new and quite nice!

Dry kompia. Can be found in most places. This was eaten at Muhibah's food court. But I prefer the one I ate in Sibu's Pasar Malam. The one we ate there is freshly cooked, jucier and nostalgic. Dang I've a little craving for that right now.

After a late night talk in Joyce house until 3am in the morning, Joyce's mum woke up to start making kuih to sell. Haha we all helped and yup the photo above is part of the outcome! Proud yoo.

Vinegar pork rice ate in a agua's restaurant? The decor and ambiance of the whole shop is quite nice but this dish is a little urm, 吃多会腻的 fu. Appetizing la but can't eat too much cause a little too sweet.

Jovian's Bak Kut Teh! Sama kedai :O

We're too lucky to collide with BCF on this trip! More food to eat, more things to see (Y) But those evenings were rainy so we went there for a while only. Borneo Cultural Festival is something similar to Kuching Festival. Foods, Funfair, Product Promotion, actually 98% alike to be exact. But one difference is the nice food sold in BCF were stalls opened by 不同潮牌的公会, unlike Kuching   stalls that attract more customers are of all kinds of stalls.

BCF can't really fill our stomach. So we had supper in KFC at Pintu Gerbang Sibu walking distance away from Tanahmas hotel, where we stayed at that night.

Eileen promised to buy me something back then on my birthday while I'm still in college. So she bought two slices of cheese cake for me. Others were bought by us Kuchingnites at Pepper's Cafe in Tanahmas Hotel itself. Heard Eileen said that besides Secret Recipe, the cheese cakes sold in Peppers' were actually sama-sama delicious too :))))

Before going into the shop, Jacqueline said we have to rush in and fight for places to sit. Imagine how good their business is. I don't remember the name of the coffee shop and I was too full to eat more food, so yeaa a little regret for not eating this. It looks heavenly!

On the last night, we had our dinner at Joyce's brother and brother-in-law restaurant. The name's Fefe Cafe and Zakka. I thought I'd go for something different so I ordered this drink. The name's Poison. It was least expected than what I actually thought how it will come out to be. When I guess it'll be milky taste, it was nothing milky but very sour and refreshing. Was lied by the cendol I guess!

I may not be choosy on the food I eat and I didn't mean to not choose the traditional food as the top choice of food after all food I've eaten.......... Actually the point is. This is the best food I have in Sibu. It's.... Pork Chop. Not an ordinary one, but the one that you cut it into halves, just a little tension on the meat itself you can see gooey cheese overflowing from inside. Surprisingly the tastes isn't 油腻 at all even when it's deep fried and filled with chesse, and that's the whole point. Dang that's cheesy goodness of pork.

After waiting for the rain to stop, after dinner at Fefe, we straight go to Muhibah and continue on for supper! Haha. The drink I have is 七味汤. Although the sibu lang recommended that the famous drink to have there is 水果冰 but I'm not a big fan of fruits and total anti of fruits+milk combination for drinks, so I rejected from ordering what the majority have.

Pandan leave wrapped chicken meat! Didn't see it before in kuching. The meat was salty savory but it didn't cover up the sweet smell of pandan leaves bite after bites. 

More finger food. Fried chicken with salad sauce. Hmm this macam nothing special lah.

At first I thought this is fish cakes, but it isn't. At least it doesn't taste like fish cakes. Not too oily, not too sweet. Nice choice of finger food to have with a bowl of ice kacang though.

Ranked second out of the list of food I have in Sibu! Tomyam vermicelli (Tomyam Beehoon) :))) People had to queue up for this and they cook it fresh straightaway after you place your order. The shop was located not far from the bus terminal and it has no signboard. Heard they just moved there and no matter where they move, they still attract the same amount of customers, which is a lot. One big bowl and only costs RM5. :9

Maybe I ate more food but these were only some I managed to get a picture of. Sibu really is a food paradise despite there isn't much outdoor entertainment. The food there is so cheap you can continue one shop after one. Not only the price is reasonable but the food is also delicious. Of course I'm blessed to have experienced friends that can bring me to the famous ones la. Even after midnight there'll still be stalls open and food to find. My tummy had a great time here (Y)