Some little thoughts and very rusty notes

It has been a while.
Thoughts of writing were there but I figured I've done too little reading, and my state of mind weren't as great. Now...it seems better than before I'd say.

Last year was a struggle. And thank God this year seems like a turning point and there is a lot to gain than losses. Then I again I'd say it's the state of mind I'm in. This year is filled with many realization, many appreciation, many awakening and being free from all the whys and terrible feelings I've had.

Probably I'd say there are some factors that contributed to the change. Which I'm grateful for are some of the significant achievements this year, such as moving to a house we bought together. Being proposed to, yay hahaha. Spending time with people I love, making little milestone of reading a few self-improvement books. And taking a long break after feeling tired and fed-up of work for some time.

What I really appreciate the most is the changes above somewhat had steer my mind into a healthier direction. Either it's the endorphins or oxytocin lol but I finally understand and believe that the healthy state of mind and well-being I'm at is a choice of mine to have.

By first, acknowledging that I'm in a dark period and then constantly find ways to work towards the light is the greatest thing I can do to help myself.

Of course is to notice those who were by my side and have love me unconditionally. There's a point where I found that I am a toxic person to them and I will lose them if I continue to be an ass and toxic person if I do not stop on complaining about life or throwing tantrum/frustration towards them.

I'm blessed.
I guess I can say I slowly understand the struggles and challenges I had and I am still working to be better.
The key point is to never give up on the battle of having the control over your mind and emotions, and trying to stay as calm and peaceful you can be.

I can run and hide away if I want.
But time is running, I'm getting older by the minute, however my mental age will remain a little kid.
The world has its expectation on me but I try to not let it get to me and scares me away.
I try not to ever rush, and always try to make progress, even if it take just baby steps.

Sometimes you just have to pull yourself out of the pit, and most importantly, to acknowledge your weaknesses, and finally is to give time and make the effort of tackling them slowly.

Well for example, I used to dislike my housemate because I can't stand the different opinions and schedules of cleanliness of the house. So we decided to find a place of our own and that's one challenge down. It seems scary to own a house so young, but honestly, it does more positive than I could've ever imagine. Our own little space has helped us have a peaceful sanctuary to rest and recharge after a long hectic day outside.

That's just one example I can go on but to me this post is lengthy enough I think I should end here.

So to conclude, I guess is as the saying, there's a silver lining behind every cloud. The road to be a mature version of you can be a pain but once you've climbed over that mountain, every sticks and stones that break you will turn into dust. In the condition that you're willing to open your mind to the possibilities, make chance and effort for a better change, in your own timing.

Ha. Bye bubs.

♥

♥

If there's someone from whom I've learn about the love I have within me, it's you. Everyday since the day I met you, I only felt that my heart gets bigger by the second, instead of the exhaustion I've rant to you from time to time where I'm wear out and tired to love.

It's you who mould me to who I am right now, thinking there's a limit for my love to you, but apparently there isn't any. Before knowing you, I thought my love and patience was enough to last me to love a lot of people, but you have tested my patience and given me the opportunity to learn about forgiveness, also to understand wholeheartedly by trying to find ways to hang on by trying look from another perspective.

I don't blame you for how you're a little self-centered than I am and how much I've always ask more of attention from you. I myself is being selfish sometimes because I might have been too hard on you. Neither of us is perfect and we all have our flaws in ourselves. It'll be harsh and so unfair for me to label you as loveless when you didn't grew up surrounded by the love that I've learnt and live in.

So far. I've seen so many changes in you that I believe what I've preserved from the beginning seems to paid of. But that's not what I wanted the most from you. Rather from learning to love me alone, I'd want you to understand the source of love I gain and learn from and also learn what that love is meant for.

There's a saying that goes, "I'd rather love my hardest then to let go and regret." I didn't want to let you go knowing that I didn't love you enough. I didn't want to let you go knowing that you weren't introduced or shown to what the ultimate love is or came from. I'm going go give you my all despite the constant downfall, but I assure you as long as I know the meaning of love, I'll continue to love you with all my might.

My friend shared that: "Treating people with everything you have may not bring you any advantages or benefits at all, despite that, I'll still take action and be proactive in giving care and love. I love you, because He loves me first. I love you, no matter how you've act or how as a person you are, this is because He loves me, no matter how I've acted or how as a person I am."

Cheers to 312 days of loving you. ♥

First lengthy blogpost of 2015 :/

Its been awhile since I write here. Say.... 5 months. My goodness that's long!
I just, didn't have the urge to write or update anything about myself because I'm in a transitioning period where I'm trying to accept the new change in my life - an addition of somebody to share my life with?

Honestly I didn't cope well at first, so many changes happened so quickly and I find myself in a mess every time I try to reflect my life, so I hardly dare to sit and think what's going on but mostly think about the changes that made me lost my old self, and welcoming a new self I yet to know and get comfortable with.

I went from having different people to commute with and share time with into only mostly time now is spent with this one guy. I went from having a lot of alone time and time to do my own things without giving a damn about anyone until now, I have to start considering about another person.

All my life I've been single, until the 9th of September of 2014. And I didn't get use to the thought that I have a boyfriend and didn't make it a big deal until I find myself falling harder for him after being together with him for months.

See, the thing that hits me where I know this is getting real is when I first felt insecure in my life because I kept wondering how worth is it for putting so much emotion and effort on somebody else. The insecurity hit me kinda hard my emotions fluctuate so often I begin to imagine the worse possible, breakups, arguments, loyalty, all those nightmares you get when you start depending on one person and how would I possibly cope if something bad happen to 'us'.

Imagine this, when you decide to love somebody, will you put all your heart into it? Because I know I will. And, there's so many 'what ifs' because people and feelings will eventually change. Unless, you both are willing to make effort and make the relationship work. But, everything is so unpredictable. When I started getting attach, the thoughts where if our feelings aren't mutual constantly scares me, a lot.

6 months plus with him wasn't exactly challenging but it wasn't easy either. We had fights, but mostly initiated by me and my rich imagination. We had arguments, because I'm not satisfied for I guess, blame all the fairy tales and happy endings that got my expectations high. We nearly broke up, well of course I didn't feel secure enough and I'm tired of all the emotion instability I didn't want to feel anything anymore.

Honestly, being in a relationship has greatly affected me from where I kinda lost friends who didn't understand my situation. I too learn that I cannot give a lot of people as much time and company as I could before, they thought I've distance myself and thought I didn't appreciate them at last I lost friends who I thought I wouldn't. I lost my life I used to have where I joined CLC and serve God so constantly and almost everyday in a week but it changed when I find out I will be judge and told not to love someone that I shouldn't fall for. Not to say that they don't understand, but stubborn me didn't want to face all that pressure I distant myself with that group and lost a part of my once upon a time life.

Not only that, in the beginning when he's not around I found nobody to turn to and nothing else to do besides waiting for him because I didn't know how to balance my love I made him my world. I almost lost myself, but honestly, having certain friends that stays, having family beside me, the growing bond (I guess) with people that I've never talked to and still half-rationale me to tell myself to stop being so pathetic, I tried very very very very hard to rebuilt and recognize 'me' that I once didn't know anymore when I see the reflection in the mirror.

Then again, I was blessed to have found somebody stays in the same area with me, to spend everyday with. How many people will get this lucky to spend almost everyday with someone they wanted to meet eagerly most of the time? And despite all those fights and arguments, I realized how calmed I wanted to be or was capable of before is a lie. Being with him lets me know that I can get so frustrated and is able to nag non-stop and forever complaining. Another blessings that I constantly thank God for is, having a guy that have enough patience to deal with all of my tantrums.

Even though we still fight and argue, but he grew to know me well and listens and tries to make changes to fit my unsatisfactory slowly. I honestly give a lot of thanks to that. When I pushed him away he didn't really give up on me (at least that's what I've felt), he tried, but his ways that I'm trying to adapt with because, of course, I have my own dream expectations which are harder to achieve. Poor him. :/

But hor. Even though we meet almost everyday, even though he still doesn't want to make 'us' publicized or is not very good at saying sweet sweet words that will honestly makes me feel better, I find that I still can love him even more every single day. I always find myself looking at him and feels weirdly lucky because of all the people out there, this guy is here and is, sort of officially my boyfriend. Despite all the downsides, we both is still together after half a year and not even getting bored of each other's company. We're still trying to make appropriate adaptation to each other different personalities, and getting more and more comfortable with each other's presence in our lives.

I felt a little cheesy about this but despite him always sheltering his thoughts will openly/un-shyly talk about marriage or future lives together or children (not much but not avoiding too) or anything we didn't see eye to eye with. The being real and not guessing each other thoughts moment he rarely can share about makes me cherish him more. Hahah my goodness, only I can achieve to this level of honesty and I feel damn satisfied and good lol.

I've learnt how mummy love us unreasonably when I'm learning to love this emotionally-dumb guy. He, has learnt how bad my mood can get but still can dumbly smile and makes my heart melt wtf. I've learnt that how focused he can get until he kinda forgets me but still tries to make time for me when he can. I've learnt that how much he didn't tell about himself to other people but still willingly tell me if I've asked. I've learnt that even though we're both a couple it isn't necessarily for us to stick together with each other every single second because we still have to move on in our self-upgrading life. (I'm sorry to you for asking for so much but I really need the attention mah :P)

There's still many many unsatisfactory of course (aherm. I'm still waiting for him to dare to introduce me to his friends. aherm) but who gets smooth relationships without a fight? Even our parents had their first time in learning how to be parents, we're just toddlers in a new relationship and learning how to love.

Cheers, to 6 months 3 weeks and many many more years to come! :)

Appreciating 2014

Initially thinking that I'll end blogging in 2014 with my previous post. But I was loitering around the internet as usual, and end up blogwalking on several blogger's blog that I've followed for years. Makes me reflect on how unappreciative I am by writing something neutral (and somehow a little emotional) instead of being positive with 2014.

Honestly 2014 was a year that I've faced a little challenge on the 'real friend stays' problem and one of the most obvious phase where I learnt more about myself because of certain changes and adjustments. Nevertheless, I thank God for all these changes, and all the blessings that surrounds me every now and then.

Just very recently somebody told me: "If it wasn't you I didn't know how I can get through all these while". Well its sort of like that because I ain't gonna quote the whole exact phrase. (I too heard if from another friend of mine couple months ago.) Anyways listening to it again struck me kind of deep inside where I feel lucky and blessed. I admit that I've been neglecting certain people around me or didn't give them as much as they've paid attention on me, and I feel very guilty for that because I can't do anything to make it better. But I thank God for all I've gone through with all these friends that accept the change in me and how I treat them, still treats me as a friend and never ignore me for what I've did. They're all friends that are willing to open up and talk about the problems we've faced, and willingly too to not give up on what we've built up, to work out the whole friendship thing. I'm thankful for all of them.

Been talking to quite a number of people and processing so as reflecting with the relationship I had with my family and friends. Especially about families and it made me realized that I've very understandable parents that I can really talk to, even have the urge to tell them things about me or even listen to things about them. I know that within my circle of friends, it's a rare situation to have that close kind of connection. I'm grateful that I have parents that trusts me and didn't have any high expectations on me (in a way where I think that they won't give me pressure to achieve certain absurd target in life); they let me have the chance to choose my own paths in life as long as I am happy with my choices. I'm grateful that they'd accept the decisions I've made (with negotiation of course) and gave me support so as encouragement because their assurance really meant a lot to keep me going.

My relationship with God has too been on a rough ride this year. It hits the highest and also the lowest note this year. But I'm thankful that the connection, the love is still there. I'm glad I have the companion and testimony from brothers and sisters that's on the same boat with me giving me advice so as reminders for me to keep hanging on with the faith. I'm thankful that I wasn't gave up on, even though I've swerve into several wrong directions. I still long for the days that I've felt real peace and happiness, enjoying the privilege I have by being His child. Thinking that I haven't hit the highest tide yet but I pray I'll have enough strength by then to sail through it. I really need a boost, I need to be filled with eagerness again.

I'm thankful for the love and care I had from people around me. The lost of grandma when I was in Perak in January has shown me how much people around me care about me more than I did to myself. Loosing material things that's kind of expensive(?) or getting sick and having people around me that worries more than me and helping me out even though they owe me nothing makes me realize how lucky I am to have them (Some people just don't give a damn but these friends around me really really cares). Having best friends that doesn't give a shit on how long you didn't contact them but still treats you like the most important person in their life reminds me that how blessed and unworthy I am to have all them. Having extended family members be it organic social ties or mechanical social ties (woo with the social science terms ahaha) that still cares about my existence every now and then even when I'm away (somewhat away despite the holidays) from home for almost four years makes me too, feels very very touched because I'm not forgotten. (even though I no longer feel that I belong in their circle every time I go back ah well that bounds to happen)

Lastly. Kind of I don't know, highlight of my year? The part where I always struggle to write or not to write. To publicize or not to. So here goes nothing, since well, I didn't want to keep these thoughts inside of me to strangle and suffocate myself. There's time where I never thought this (being in a relationship) has actually happened to me only until I'm with him physically. Being with him taught me new things about myself and learnt to adjust into a new perspective of living. (I've been crazy single living in the wilds and flying everywhere in the past LOL) Honestly, I didn't know he's the kind of guy that I'd settled to, but I'm glad that we're able to click even though there's still several disagreements in between. It's like, I didn't knew I'd be compatible with this kind of guy (who's literally out of my league) and actually be comfortable with, somehow enjoying it too :P Haha. I don't know what the future will bring to us, but I'll be appreciating every moment being with him. Collecting his smiles is the best thing I can think of hehehe.

2014 was a year where time past at a 'just nice' pace, which I never did experience before, it was usually faster than expected. I thank God for this year, and looking forward to what 2015's gonna bring to me. Deciding not gonna make any resolutions this time round, will just go with the flow.

2015, C'mon baby! Hahahahaha. Wish all of you random people Happy New Years Eve and Happy New Year in advance! God bless. :)

。

时间过得好快，一年就这样结束了。

说实在，这一年，时间它快得不让我觉得跟不上脚步,也似乎没什么很明显的得与失。
反正，好像这一切，都在自己的预测中；
时间就是会那样的过去；事物就是会如自己所想的，得到和失去。

好像没什么起伏大的事，好像时间就过得好自然，所有的事都很平淡的发生了。

心情比较好像。。。
去泰国玩就好像 去就去咯的感觉
胖了就像 胖就胖咯 没什么的感觉
读书就好像 有学没学到都无所谓的感觉
连拍拖也是...感觉一切都自然

让我有点难以接受自己为什么会这样淡定的
好像有一点随便 有一点怀疑自己到底有没有在意这一切变化的发生

今年 真的没什么事
没什么特别开心的事
没什么特别伤心的事
没什么特别 很平淡 真的很平淡

或许 已开始慢慢了解自己

知道自己对什么事会有怎样的反应

所以心理准备得足足的

或许 瞳孔和思绪不再那么在乎自己的事

世界也慢慢不属于只有自己的了

已经很少去为自己的事反省 为自己的事烦恼 为自己要求很多

想想看

似乎第二个说法的可能性比较大

原来 世界不再自我 不是一个人后

就是这个样子的

但现在

最怕问自己的是

这样的改变 我会不会喜欢呢

。

曾经
喜欢突破过程的煎熬
喜欢那刺激的快感
喜欢尝试不同的事物
喜欢寻找机会不停的提升自己
要飞 就飞翔的自由

有了你在身边
一切都不再一样
变得像温室里的小花一样
变得像跟屁虫的傻样
安全感的定义 也慢慢改变
不是我自己说了算
反而已是向往着你的看法

一切的担忧
都由你而起

一切的心情
都随你而变

It was autumn.

It was autumn.

The season where nature changes it colours and dies into it's origin.

The season where the sky turns grayer than ever, 

where the people's emotion turns melancholy.

It was autumn.

The season when the wind was no longer something that people desire.

The season where people begins to long for the sun that they wished it was never burning so brightly during the summer.

The season when the temperature of the surrounding decides to be even further apart from your our own.

But, it was a season where the temperature never gets colder than the human heart when it decides to stop loving. 

It was autumn.

The abandoned pavement met the dandelion.

It was believed to be drifting in the winds for some time.

Searching for a place to settle.

Little did the pavement knows. 

It was not a good place for anybody or even anything, to settle there.

Except for shoe prints.

Or maybe, the rain.

Just, something temporary.

Little did the dandelion knows.

It settles at the place where something good wouldn't happen.

Unless.

The wind blows.

And the dandelion leaves.

Unless.

The dandelion was too tired to vanish directionless into the wind 

and it decides to root just, 

right there. 

However.

It was autumn.

The season where colours of the leaves blend and harmonized, 

as they embrace their death.

The season where the colder temperature holds two people who were in love even closer than ever, 

as they long for heat.

The season that reminds us that we're all lonely people.

Needing love to live.